by Trip Payne

“Melon farmer” (mentioned in the flavortext) is a common way that TV networks censor the 12-letter “MF” expletive in movies. The quotes in this puzzle are all possible responses to movie quotes as they have been reworded in TV versions. The quotes’ words have been replaced with blanks, with most punctuation being maintained; the number indicates the letter of the given word to take.

Response Quote Movie Quote Movie Title Extracted Letter
“What kind of flight are we on that takes five days, anyway? And I don’t know about you, but I actually think that matchup would be kind of cool to watch . . . I don’t know who’d win that one. As long as they’re not coming for us, they can go after each other all they want, that’s what I say.” I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE (M)ONKEY-FIGHTING SNAKES ON THIS MONDAY-TO-FRIDAY PLANE! Snakes on a Plane M
“Well, sure, I’m ready to leave anyway, but, uh . . . I have to admit, I’m not understanding that comparison. I’m a fixture at the tavern? And also wacky somehow?” PACK IT IN, FRANK, YOU SILLY B(A)RSTOOL. Hot Fuzz A
“We’re . . . uh . . . not in Europe. Or the mountains. And there’s nobody else here. I really don’t see how you’re using any of that to justify wrecking that car.” YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FIND A STRANGER IN THE A(L)PS? The Big Lebowski L
“Do you mean separately or together? I’m sure we all smell a bit at this point, but I question whether we’d all fit in there at once, and it seems highly inappropriate even if we could.” HEY, EVERYBODY! LET’S ALL TA(K)E A SHOWER! Caddyshack K
“That’s certainly not true literally, and I don’t understand the connotation if it’s figurative. Could you be more specific? Am I tuna, lentil, broccoli and cheese . . .?” THAT’S ALL YOU ARE—YOU’RE A C(A)SSEROLE. Pineapple Express A
“That might not be such a bad gig, actually. I mean, sure, he’s a brutal dictator and all, but he’s surely got plenty of vehicles that need the attention, so you’d probably have some job security.” I’D RATHER HAVE A JOB WASHING SADDAM HUSSEIN’S CAR(S). Bridget Jones’s Diary S
“Why are you suddenly suggesting we meet up with some low-level soldiers? That hardly seems like a substitute for grabbing the fast food we’ve been craving.” FORGET WHITE CASTLE, LET’S GO GET SOME PR(I)VATES. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle I
“Actually, that comes from the Afrikaans for ’earth pig’. And no, I’m not.” PARDON MY FRENCH, BUT YOU’RE AN (A)ARDVARK! Ferris Bueller’s Day Off A
“Sure, being exhibitionistic in the middle of the football field sounds fun and all, but I’m confused. Is that some sort of X-rated VeggieTales thing?” LET’S GO DO IT MR. GREEN BEA(N) STYLE ON THE 50-YARD LINE! Dazed and Confused N
“You don’t resemble the explorer, assuming that’s who you meant to say. And if you meant the detective, that’s not his first name, and no, you don’t resemble him either.” MAN, WHO DO I LOOK LIKE, CHR(I)STOPHER COLUMBO? National Lampoon’s Vacation I
“Given the question I just asked you, that hardly seems like an appropriate writing surface. And my showing affection to it beforehand doesn’t change that fact.” RIGHT ON MY (S)ANDWICH AFTER YOU KISS IT! Dumb and Dumber S
“Just one hit that you learned in the dojo and it was done? Would you even go so far as to describe it as illin’ or rad?” ALL IT TOOK WAS A (P)HAT KARATE PUNCH. Mallrats P
“I’m sorry that I suggested that I don’t remember you, or the woman who bore you, but I’m pretty sure you do remember me, despite your apparent anger.” FORGET ME? FORGET YOU, YOU MOTHER FORG(E)TTER! Casino E
“I’m glad you’re excited, but that’s not my name. Do I look Maltese to you?” YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MR. FA(L)CON! Die Hard 2 L
“Thank you for the clarification on how it’s getting through the vents. And yes, I admit that I do enjoy tossing clay pots around for fun, but I’m not sure I heard that last word correctly. I’m something that got jostled while being vomited? Or are you trying to remember the last name of the star of Sherlock?” IT’S BEING PUMPED THROUGH THE BUILDING’S AIR-CONDITIONING SYSTEMS, YOU CROC(K)-JUGGLING CHUNDERBUMP! Blade: Trinity K

The extracted letters spell MALKASIAN IS PELK. Melik Malkasian played Scotty Pelk in the movie FILM GEEK, which is the solution to this puzzle.