Your five volumes of FDA regulations may be old, but some things are even older.
| Guy: | Let's get started!!!!!!! |
| Nigella: | 10-4, Guy! It's the 4th day of the Great Poultry Cookoff, and today the 5 of us will be presenting the last 2 1-on-1 quarterfinals, then the 2 1-on-1 semifinals, and then the final 1-on-1 competition! And Delia, Guy, and I will be nattering on about the 15 names that have been crossed off so far! |
| Delia: | Just to state the rules another time: Cooking birds can be tricky, and any participant caught violating the Food Code will be disqualified immediately, and their opponent declared the winner by default. |
| Lidia: | As someone who handles the clerical stuff, I should note: According to the official records, every match so far has been decided this way. These featherheads don't seem to be able to touch a pot without breaking a rule. |
| Emeril: | Two competitors are coming out now, wearing the English letters they got when Delia assigned English letters to all the (decidedly non-English) names on her very flighty list, in order. (These were one-word names, and included no conjunctions or articles.) |
| Nigella: | While they do that, a reminder about our future programming: At 1, one former competitor will describe Wilt Chamberlain's record from 3/2/62. |
| Guy: | Now, that was a player with heart. As was that one earlier chef whose first ingredient (of three) was hearts of palm. |
| Delia: | By the way, Lidia had a different list, so she would have assigned the English letters differently. For one thing, one entry on my list (rhyming with its predecessor) wasn't on hers; she only had twenty. |
| Lidia: | Right, Delia. And there's the bell, and . . . oh, the one with a special "final form" letter (but no other letters their opponent lacks) just got disqualified. Nigella, could you please note down the winner and loser? |
| Emeril: | And they're leaving the kitchen — and as they head out the door, the two new competitors are emerging! |
| Delia: | Speaking of which, one entry had "head" or "two hundred" as its first letter on my list, but had "door" or "four" on Lidia's. Of course, those are similar-looking letters. |
| Nigella: | Continuing, at 2, one former competitor will say how to travel the 850 miles from St. Louis to Kansas City to Denver in under 13 hours. |
| Guy: | Ah, Kansas City. Remember that one earlier chef whose first ingredient (of four) was ribeye? |
| Lidia: | And there's the bell, and . . . oh, the one with at least five dots under their letters when you write the vowels (even though they have fewer letters than their opponent) just got disqualified. I'll just note down the winner and loser. |
| Emeril: | And they're leaving the kitchen to make way for the first semifinal. Coming out now: The winner of today's first quarterfinal, and — slightly delayed — the winner of yesterday's! |
| Delia: | Not as delayed as one name on my list, which was five places later there than on Lidia's list! How zany is that! |
| Guy: | It's like the first ingredient (of five) one earlier chef had — an entire hand of bananas! |
| Nigella: | Continuing the zaniness: At 3, one former competitor will tell about the time Phileas Fogg had to travel through 360 degrees of longitude to win 20,000 pounds sterling! Don't miss this one — it's in its final form! |
| Lidia: | And there's the bell, and . . . oh, the one with more syllables just got disqualified. Emeril, could you please note down the winner and loser? |
| Emeril: | And they're leaving the kitchen. Coming out now: The winner of today's second quarterfinal, and the winner of yesterday's! |
| Nigella: | And don't forget that at 4, one former competitor will . . . count the minutes until 5. |
| Delia: | Speaking of minute differences — hey, Lidia, remember when our lists disagreed on the gender of one name? As if yours said "bull," and mine said "cow"? |
| Guy: | Now I'm hungry again remembering the first ingredient (of four) one earlier chef had: oxtail. |
| Lidia: | And there's the bell, and . . . oh, the one containing, nonconsecutively, two consecutive letters of their opponent just got disqualified. Delia, could you please note down the winner and loser? |
| Emeril: | And the loser is leaving the kitchen, as the winner of the first semifinal comes out for the final showdown! |
| Guy: | I'm gaping like the first ingredient (of three) one earlier chef used — a bigmouth bass. We're down to the last two kitchen conjurers! (Conjurors?) |
| Delia: | Both vowels are used. Lidia and I had a similar vowel difference in one name, though of course that's not reflected in any of its actual letters. |
| Nigella: | Yes, Guy, everyone rates these competitions as amazing — including one former competitor who (at 6) will present 20 scores! |
| Lidia: | And there's the bell, and . . . oh, the alphabetically later one just got disqualified. Guy, could you please note down the winner and loser? |
| Emeril: | And the loser is leaving the kitchen . . . as is the winner, who has also just been disqualified. As we evacuate and scrub the kitchen thoroughly for the next show (Cooking with Locusts), all these great competitors, seemingly born with chef skills, are now . . . out of there! |