In President’s Day Town, those who protect the country deserve love.

Welcome to Secret Admirer, the premier site for meeting clearanced personnel! We’re so sorry the previous matching specialist quit the day before you started, but we’re sure you can figure out the special mission skills, pet peeves, and favorite pastimes of these spies and find the best matches for them. (It would be nice for everyone to be perfectly happy, but hey, two out of three ain’t bad!)

In addition to their profiles, your predecessor left some notes of things they’d been able to find out about this group:

  1. The spy who enjoys solving crossword puzzles always eats lunch outside in the quad, together with the technology specialist, the spy who hates those annoying people who eat and drive, Alexandria, and Isabelle.
  2. Harriette and Gwendolyn were once part of a joint mission with the spy who enjoys writing poetry, the spy who reads lips, and the spy who hates it when there are rats in the air vents. Now the five of them always eat lunch together in the cafeteria.
  3. Three of the spies—the spy who enjoys factoring large numbers in their head, the spy who hates it when Microsoft Office freezes, and Jefferson—went to college together, but none of them has ever served in the military or participated in a joint mission.
  4. The spy who enjoys swiping left on dating profiles, the spy who flies helicopters, and Harriette all enlisted in the Navy after high school and didn’t go to college.
  5. Four of the spies—Christopher, Demetrius (who doesn’t know how to pick locks), the lip reader, and the spy who enjoys obsessively calling HQ every five minutes—all enlisted in the Army after high school and also never went to college. Two of them eat lunch in the quad and two in the cafeteria.
  6. The spy who hates faulty hidden cameras also has awesome survival skills. They eat lunch with the lock-picking specialist.
  7. The spy whose special mission skill is undercover tango dancing (and who served in the Army after high school) enjoys conjugating verbs.
  8. The spy who enjoys whittling small animal figurines also hates wearing heels that make noise when you walk.
  9. Fitzgerald, who is not the lip reader or the spy with superior night vision, hates those annoying partners who are late to the drop.
  10. Jefferson, who is not annoyed by people who eat and drive, enjoys birdwatching.
  11. Evangeline, who does not write poetry or hate rats in the air vents, is the acrobat who can sneak past laser security.
  12. Broderick eats lunch with the covert operations specialist and the spy who hates those annoying people who recline their seats all the way into your lap on an airplane, but does not eat with the spy who hates dead batteries.
  13. Demetrius eats lunch with the spy who enjoys playing solitaire on their iPhone and the spy who hates pockets with holes in them, but does not eat with Broderick.
  14. The martial artist (who doesn’t enjoy solving crossword puzzles) eats lunch with Isabelle, but only one of them went to college.
  15. Gwendolyn (who is not the helicopter pilot, and does not hate getting blocked by grates in ductwork) eats lunch with the spy who enjoys hosting silent dance parties.
  16. The covert operations specialist does not enjoy whittling.
  17. Their home addresses look pretty spread out, except that Alexandria lives on the same street as both the spy who has awesome survival skills and the spy who enjoys factoring large numbers in their head (who isn’t Isabelle).
  18. The lock-picking expert does not hate it when Microsoft Office freezes or when pockets have holes in them.
  19. None of the spies have served in more than one branch of the armed forces.


About me: I love speaking French, Russian, and Klingon for kicks, and I’m 5'3" with long black hair.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner whose favorite pastime involves animals (real ones or fake ones)
  • someone I’m already eating lunch with (I want to make sure I get to see them every day!)
  • someone who speaks a romance language (It’s romantic!)


About me: You won’t miss me because I have spiky hair that is Atomic Turquoise (at the moment). I’m 5'4". I love languages: I speak Arabic, Chinese, Hindi, and Russian.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who’s into dancing, either for fun or for work
  • a partner who has served in the military
  • someone who speaks at least one foreign language that I speak (so we have a secret language!)


About me: I’m 5'3" with short hair, and I’m dyeing it hot pink these days so I’m easy to spot in a crowd. I’m fluent in Portuguese and Spanish.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner whose hobby doesn’t revolve around their cell phone
  • someone who wasn’t in the Army (so they’ll find my stories interesting)
  • a partner with black hair. Dreamy.


About me: I speak Arabic, Hindi, and Spanish. I’m 5'0", with long black hair that’s always up in a bun.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner whose pet peeve involves something somebody else does... hopefully I’ll seem great by comparison!
  • someone who served in the same military branch I did, so I don’t have to explain everything to them
  • a partner who speaks Chinese or French, so we can expand the set of places we can go on vacation


About me: I’m a natural strawberry blonde with a dramatic pixie cut that somehow suits my mundane 5'6" height. I speak a little Russian and am actually pretty fluent in Lojban.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who doesn’t complain about ventilation-related mishaps
  • someone who knows how to participate in a joint mission
  • someone with long hair


About me: My hair is an unremarkable light brown buzz cut, and I’m 5'8". I speak Hindi and Urdu competently, and took French in high school.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner whose favorite activity involves games or puzzles
  • someone who doesn’t live near other spies, so we can avoid running into colleagues on the walk of shame
  • someone who speaks a constructed or invented language


About me: I’m 5'6" with short brown hair. I speak French, Hindi, Sindarin, and Tamil.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who doesn’t have a pet peeve related to something you wear
  • not somebody who’s part of my regular lunch crowd, ’cause it would make the social dynamics awkward...
  • someone whose hair color is not found in nature. Mine’s so boring.


About me: I’m 5'3", and my auburn hair cascades pleasantly down my back (it’s my best feature). I speak, to varying degrees of competency, Atlantean, French, and Portuguese.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who won’t have to practice backflips or karate kicks when I just want to have dinner!
  • someone who doesn’t root for the other team in the Army-Navy game
  • someone who’s not taller than me


About me: I’m 5'5", with short, curly, black hair. I speak German, Interglossa, Russian, and Spanish.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who doesn’t obsess over technical glitches
  • someone who will eat lunch outside with me between meetings
  • a partner who’s an inch or two shorter than me


About me: I speak fluent Chinese. I’m 6'0" with bright purple, waist-length hair.
Top 3 things I’m looking for:
  • a partner who has a way with words (and whose hobby revolves around them)
  • someone who has served in the armed forces
  • someone who can be my translator on my next trip to Moscow
It’s a Match!
Tango dancer
It’s a Match!
Frozen MS Office hater
It’s a Match!
Navy veteran
It’s a Match!
Eats in the quad
It’s a Match!
Silent dance partier