By Oliver Wong, Henry Wong, Justin Melvin, and Jack Tagye
Answer: LENT

This puzzle, as the title Spooneristically suggests, revolves around defecation.

The clues all have apropos answers:

Clue Crappy answer Index Letter
Unclasping and letting fall DROPPING 2 R
Popular Green Day album DOOKIE 6 E
You go to this guy for everything in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta POOHBAH 6 A
Name of a beetle type DUNG 1 D
Problematic kind of matter FECAL 1 F
Member of Carlin’s seven words SHIT 3 I
Successes in baseball RUNS 1 R
Lousy performance or complete disaster SHITSHOW 5 S
Bar seat STOOL 2 T
Yikes! A way to be scared SHITLESS 5 L
Natural fertilizer MANURE 6 E
Name of a Japanese dog breed SHIHTZU 5 T
Particular kind of self-satisfied smile SHIT-EATING GRIN 4 T
Miniature, Standard, or Toy POODLE 6 E
Name of a planet URANUS 2 R
Pip-ful game in a casino CRAPS 5 S
Gastro-intestinal specialist PROCTOLOGIST 11 S
Yank an employee away from his job, or throw something away SHITCAN 2 H
Record by Papa Roach CACABONITA 8 I
Completely inebriated SHITFACED 5 F
Noisome Rick and Morty character MRPOOPYBUTTHOLE 10 T
Compound in bat cave GUANO 3 A
Location on a ship POOPDECK 1 P
A type of singing SCAT 4 T
Grinning emoji name PILEOFPOO 3 L
Jaunty South Park character MRHANKEY 8 Y

Taking the indexed letters, you get the phrase READ FIRST LETTERS SHIFT APTLY.

Read the first letters of the clues and Caesar shift by 2 to get WRAP ROUND APPROPRIATE PENCIL.

Print the puzzle, cut out the strip of letters at the bottom, and wrap around a #2 pencil to get PLEASE ASK HQ FOR AN INFO DUMP.

Upon calling HQ, your team receives a diaper full of (among other things) four strips of paper. The strips are labelled:

  1. Neil Armstrong
  2. Annie Taylor
  3. Jesse Lynch Williams
  4. Kelly Clarkson

These people are all the first at something. Take the 2nd letter of the 2nd name of the 2nd person to do each and get LENT as the solution.

Activity 1st person 2nd person Extraction
Walk on moon Neil Armstrong Buzz Aldrin L
Niagara in a barrel Annie Taylor Bobby Leach E
Pulitzer drama award Jesse Lynch Williams Eugene O’Neill N
American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson Ruben Studdard T