The Pernicious Revenge of Juno

"My god, it's full of stars." -Endymion

Ha! You thought you were safe from Juno's retaliation for solving her puzzle all those years ago, didn't you? You thought traveling all the way to the moon and switching to a completely different culture's mythology would be enough? Really, you mortals will believe anything.

  • Everyone in the whole wide moon has exactly one single-digit non-zero favorite number and exactly one favorite letter from the UPPERCASE English alphabet. (Yes, they use the English alphabet on the moon. Why wouldn't they use the English alphabet on the moon?)
  • Ghost hauntees aren't allowed in Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's Bouncy Castle of Despair.
  • Those unable to rid themselves of Zaxxon Fever are classified as Third-Degree Downers.
  • No cholesterol wizard would ever surrender an onion ring to anyone else.
  • People with a favorite number that, when spelled out, has the same number of letters in English as in Spanish have one free earlobe and one attached earlobe.
  • The Encyclopedia Moonlogica refuses to include entries about anyone who doesn't wear a king hat.
  • All those who thrust their heads into the Bucket of Regret have favorite letters with at least one curved segment.
  • The only way to get a visit from the Knock-It-Off Fairy is to just leave your office supplies just strewn out wherever.
  • Anyone with no alibi to the crime of stealing Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's lucky pebble must enter a plea of "Oh Please, Oh Please, Oh Pretty Pretty Please".
  • People who are able to repair busted lamps never set their phones to Submarine Mode.
  • Vine superstars have way, way more money than sense.
  • The sort of person who cracks their eggs on the medium-sized end can be assumed to have a favorite letter that, by itself, is an international vehicle registration code for a European country.
  • People who aren't very good at dealing in stolen goods often lose at Quantum Hypercheckers as well.
  • Those unvisited by the Knock-It-Off Fairy prefer licking the positive terminal of batteries to the negative.
  • Abstainers from presidential vice react poorly to even slight increases in temperature.
  • Non-believers in cows live in energy-channeling tetrahedrons.
  • People with a favorite number that, when spelled out, has more letters in English than in Spanish can make a fresh batch of muffins in under a minute.
  • The phrase "WOVEN BIRCH" is the sole source of favorite letters for those who dance the dance of the blatantly contrived.
  • Those who can't smell spacetime must make do by thrusting their heads into the Bucket of Regret.
  • Those that are somehow taller than themselves dance the dance of the blatantly contrived.
  • Anyone banned from any bouncy castle has faked their own middle initial.
  • The universally beloved get a nickel off at the oil change place.
  • Favorite letters that aren't also Roman numerals are beyond the grasp of all except eager guests of Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's annual birthday symposium.
  • King hats are available only to graduates of accredited mooniversities.
  • In order to smell spacetime, one must first set their phone to Submarine Mode.
  • The power of flight only manifests in those who are pure of lung.
  • It's impossible to lose at Quantum Hypercheckers if you're in on the secret to lukewarm fusion.
  • If a person's favorite number corresponds to a course at MIT with a two-word name, that person is fluent in Churlish.
  • People with a favorite number that, when spelled out, has more letters in Spanish than in English greet each new day by spending a couple of hours hanging by their ankles.
  • If a person's favorite number corresponds to a course at MIT with a five-word name, that person always tips their Uber driver with a handful of onion rings.
  • Those who receive discounts on oil changes have favorite letters that, when signed in the ASL alphabet, have no fingers pointing straight up.
  • Energy-channeling tetrahedron dwellers crack their eggs on the medium-sized end.
  • Those who strive to break the current world record for tallest stack of whales (currently holding fast at one) have no time for candle shopping.
  • People who really ought to have pulled over and asked for directions by this point, not that I'm naming names, Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic, don't believe in the existence of cows.
  • Anyone with reason to be wary of attempting balloon vegetables and balloon minerals avoids Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's annual birthday symposium.
  • Warm, fuzzy mathematicians always employ the axiom of choice.
  • If a person's favorite number corresponds to a course at MIT with a one-word name, that person has definitely had plastic surgery to look more like their favorite world landmark.
  • Speedy muffin makers are [Note to self: come back and think up one last goofy property to put here later before this goes live for solvers].
  • Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's Authentic Drinkable Liquid-Style Beverage Fluid causes drinkers to grow an alarming number of excessive arms.
  • Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's Mystery List is comprised solely of people that are somehow taller than themselves.
  • A barbershop hectet never has among its hundred members any person whose residence uses any non-vitreous materials.
  • Those with a favorite number that's 0 mod 3 have visited every part of the Buffalo metropolitan area.
  • Anti-vampires are characterized by their affinity for daylight, crosses, and garlic, as well as their mysterious second reflections in mirrors.
  • Presidential vice compromises the purity of one's lungs.
  • The Three Secret Forbidden Areas in Buffalo can't be accessed, looked at, or thought about without wearing special lavender monkey-fur boots.
  • French bread is never allowed to fall into the clutches of those with more money than sense.
  • If a person can't be picked up and wielded by Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic as an effective spear, that person will forever be cursed with plaid hair.
  • Those who cannot correctly be described as "warm, fuzzy mathematicians" are worth extra points in the Bonus Zone.
  • Due to a technical glitch in a recent "Ah, Heck With It, You're In Our Band, Too" contest, Mick Jagger and Keith Richards can count as bandmates the entire listenership of Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's bihourly podcast.
  • Those who refrain from blaring books on tape at 3 AM so loudly they can be heard next door are beloved by all.
  • In order to combat Zaxxon Fever, one must get out of the house and scour the woods collecting every kind of plant imaginable.
  • Those with a favorite number that's 2 mod 3 are anti-vampires.
  • Members of the Flannel Hammer Panel are rigorously checked in mirrors to verify that they have one reflection or fewer.
  • It's highly advisable for people born under the zodiacal sign of the Damp Washcloth to go around hurling rocks every which way all the time.
  • People who prefer licking the positive terminal of batteries to the negative all have the first name of "Jack", and nobody knows why.
  • Those who don't use brand-name detergent are forever haunted by the ghosts of Proctor and Gamble.
  • Third-Degree Downers have the redemptive quality of being able to spin straw into marginally better straw, if you're the sort of person who cares about straw quality.
  • Those with well-toned elbows are all loyal listeners of Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's bihourly podcast.
  • Earlobe mismatch never occurs outside of the competitive whale stacking community.
  • The plaid-haired love to say all kinds of quite interesting things about the Acropolis (where the Parthenon is).
  • Everyone you weren't thinking of when you started reading this statement has an entry in the Encyclopedia Moonlogica.
  • When a person leaves out cookies and milk for burglars, that invariably means the person's favorite letter has no enclosed spaces.
  • People that are [Note to self: this where the other reference to that last goofy property goes, once you think it up] drink Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's Authentic Drinkable Liquid-Style Beverage Fluid.
  • Those fluent in Churlish hold the secret to lukewarm fusion.
  • Accredited mooniversities instill their graduates with favorite letters that are traditional letter grades in the US school system.
  • Those who can spin straw into marginally better straw have favorite letters that can be found somewhere due right of the A on a standard QWERTY keyboard.
  • Those with a favorite number that's 1 mod 3 keep all of their office supplies in huge, elaborate vaults.
  • Those who have ever taken or will ever take, for any reason, any vacations from their place of employment prefer licking the negative terminal of batteries to the positive.
  • People worth extra points in the Bonus Zone always leave out cookies and milk for burglars.
  • The entire population is divided into two mutually exclusive factions: cholesterol wizards and members of barbershop hectets.
  • Anyone who regularly hangs by their ankles develops well-toned elbows.
  • If you're not on the Flannel Hammer Panel, you stammer.
  • If a person's favorite number corresponds to a course at MIT with a three-word name, that person is bad at counting words.
  • Those who speak of the Acropolis (where the Parthenon is) have favorite letters that are visually indistinguishable from uppercase Greek letters.
  • A person whose favorite letter can be put before "ULL" to produce a common English word would never stoop so low as to fake their own middle initial.
  • Balloon vegetables and balloon minerals are highly difficult and dangerous to attempt for anyone who wasn't born under the zodiacal sign of the Damp Washcloth.
  • A debilitating, incurable allergy to lavender monkey-fur is the only conceivable alibi for the crime of stealing Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's lucky pebble.
  • If a person's favorite number corresponds to a course at MIT with a four-word name, that person can just straight-up fly if they want to.
  • The only way to prevent being declared legally invisible is to meet a government-issued quota for purchase of decorative candles.
  • Landmark-related plastic surgery is the most likely medical procedure to result in Vine superstardom, with a rate of 100%.
  • Those who do everything in their power to avoid sharing a room with a dishwasher are on Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic's Mystery List.
  • Arch-Commodore Reginald Q. Moonlogic wishes to take this opportunity to remind all of you that thumbs do not count as fingers. They don't even look like fingers. What are you even doing that would make you think a thumb is a finger? Come on. Get your head in the game.