Congratulations to all of the authors whose papers were accepted to the 33rd Annual Conference on Maturing Young Scientific Theories: Emerging Resolutions for Yielding Heuristic Unphysics using Noncomputation Techniques! A list of the accepted papers is given below. In the interest of transparency, we are also providing excerpts from the reviews of the paper produced by the program committee.

Participating Authors

• ✈✈✈Galactic Dogesetters✈✈✈
• 221B Baker Street
• ADPhi Mystery
• Always Offering Excuses
• Area 51
• Biograd 2013
• Black Dynamite
• Booz Allen Interlopers
• Cambridge and Friends
• Central Services
• Codex Gigas
• Control Group
• Death and Mayhem
• Donner Party of N
• Duck Soup
• ET Phone In Answer
• Eigenpirates
• Fangorn Foureast
• Frumious Bandersnatch
• Gorgeous
• Grand Unified Theory of Love
• Immoral, Illegal & Fattening
• Left as an Exercise for the Reader
• Leftout
• Little Buddy
• Metaphysical Plant
• Milton Friedman's Lonely Hearts Club Band
• Not Enough All-Nighters
• Not So Great Ideas
• Notorious PIG
• OmNomNomNom
• One Fish Two Fish Random Fish Blue Fish
• Palindrome
• Putz Resistance
• Raucous Raucous Rhinos
• Relatively Theoretical Constructs
• Setec Astronomy
• Sleipnir's Wranglers
• Super Team Awesome
• Team IHTFP
• Team Plaid Thong
• Team Unseen
• Test Solution, Please Ignore
• The Brute Force
• The Family Joules
• The Nibblonians
• The Providence Transplantations
• The Rage of the Quebecois
• Up Late
• Vaguely Eloquent Team
• Wafflehaüs
• We're Up All Night to Get Lucky
• What Does Star Fox Say!?

Accepted Papers

• Towards an Exegesis of Ankh-Morpork: Uncovering New Solutions Emulating Entertaining Narratives
  Our editor sees genuine sex discrimination in this paper. (Score: 4)
• Proper amount of plaid to be placed on a thong
  This was like a bad novel that changed plot conventions every two pages. (Score: 3)
• The Superintendency of Octadic Appendaged Ungulates
  As this is outside my field of expertise, I regretfully decline to review this submission, lest I make the Atlas crowd cringe. (Score: 1)
• On the oceanic state and voluntary relocation of slumbering pandimensional abominations. - by Josiah S. Carberry of Brown University
  The authors clearly love crude vanity porn, but the topic is inappropriate for this conference. (Score: 1)
• This Space Intentionally Left Blank
  The appendix of ace sex recipes is really this paper's only saving grace. (Score: 2)
• Comparative Interpersonal Exchanges In US and Canadian Office Dynamics
  This article was far more phantasmagorical than necessary! I was especially offended by the part where cenobites open a squirrel. (Score: 4)
• ***TODO: THINK OF PRESENTATION TITLE****
  It would be easier to get a weasel to emit gold coins than to implement the unfinished and unspecified plan suggested by this paper. (Score: 3)
• BRCA1 is not secreted and does not exhibit properties of a granin
  I wouldn't publish this paper in any situation, barring a dingo invasion. (Score: 2)
• The Science of Yawning
  I read this paper to find the truth; I wasn't prepared for any ugly weaving of lies. (Score: 5)
• The Typology of the Dual on the Internet: LOLcat and Doge
  A typical googly act: this paper just mashes together random memes found from the interwebs. (Score: 8)
• Pollex Extension in the Neutral Position
  I feel I will radiate an eternal aura of disgust after reading this submission. (Score: 3)
• Economnomnomics: Splendid Miscalculation, or, A Gentleperson's Primer
  This paper reeks of communism. In an all-too-common trend, they have exchanged real thinking with the intellectual equivalent of cat pictures on the Internet. (Score: 1)
• Proving the Meta-Existence of the Quasi-Jabberwocky via Subjective Ungravity Spheroids
  I knew this paper was nonsense even before the author formed his spurious conclusion. (Score: 1)
• The Socio-Economic Impact of Post-Modern Desk Decoration
  These design aesthetics mostly involve recycled paper garbage, plus the occasional magnetic ripoff. (Score: 1)
• Piracy on the Seven Matrices: A Boon to the Eigenomy
  Shame on these authors for citing Lemon Party! That figure on page three is ... yep, a geriatric penis. (Score: 1)
• Transcendental Botany: A Preliminary Comprehensive Survey of the Flora of the Celestial Aether
  I quickly grew tired of blatant pony references throughout. (Score: 8)
• A Song of Ice and Fire is NP-Hard
  Are people allowed to write papers this rambling and long? O Jesus! Just finish the damn thing already! (Score: 1)
• Ensuring Successful Euthanasia While Sustaining Maximum Entropy
  The author chose a daunting thesis, which explains why there's no evidence whatsoever to support it. (Score: 5)
• Our theory on Nucleus Tesseracts
  Elegant fonts and language made reading this paper the classiest torment I've ever experienced. (Score: 10)
• Enigmatic Ontologies of Hard Knocking in Creation-Inspiration Cycles: The Ford F-250 Approach
  Given the option between re-reading this article and facing meteoric collisions, I choose the rocks hitting my face. (Score: 1)
• The Challenging and Questionable Discovery of Paradise
  This fervid copy duplicating a classic paper is not only plagiarism, it's bad plagiarism. (Score: 5)
• Weak signal in hunt name lenth potentiates disaster
  Dear sexist doc who wrote this: do you hate girls so much that you had to leave the g out of the word "length"? (Score: 1)
• Fangorn Foureast
  The authors must be nearly broke; this paper features autos for sale. (Score: 14)
• Nibblonian Gustatory Culture and its Implication on Dark Matter Distribution throughout the Observable Universe
  The whole paper is just nonverbal babble on ISIS puzzles! (Score: 6)
• Convergence by guessing the solution many times
  Here's a tip for the authors -- don't dubiously suggest that you have a solution, just admit you've made it up. (Score: 11)
• Understanding Prolonged Liveliness And Total Exhaustion
  Lack of wisdom shows through; this paper needs less ill naivete. (Score: 4)
• A Coronet System Review of the Incidence of Cosy Otter Names at the Monterey's Coast Aquarium.
  Observations were inconclusive due to bird noises from a nearby tree. Next time, place your recorder under a quieter sumac. (Score: 14)
• P ≈ NP
  The authors should give up now and learn how to plot corn — farming is honest work, unlike this mendacious nonsense. (Score: 3)
• The Unscience of Deduction
  The paper is a direct bunk ode: poetic at times, but straightforwardly nonsensical. (Score: 9)
• Lie Algebras and Treu Geometries: Ethical, Statutory, and Dietary Considerations in Unconvolving Antiquantum Spaces
  What low standards! Apparently this conference will let a quilting manual be submitted for consideration. (Score: 6)
• Applying nonlinear quasi-quantum approximation methods in modeling molecular signaling dynamics of sleep deprivation: a novel perspective
  After reading this example of opportune hoaxing, I am wondering if we should send the entire conference proceedings to Retraction Watch. (Score: 1)
• Fraternal Marxists: The Culinary Preparation of Anatidae into a Potable Concoction
  Our Boston-based reviewer couldn't understand this garbage. The author's hot air stumps Sox fans. (Score: 1)
• General Quantum Lovativity: An Exceptionally Complex Theory of Everything
  The several grad students who wrote this have evidently learned to mooch expertly off of their university. (Score: 4)
• The Practical Ramifications of Fictional Metaphysical Structures
  These empirical studies of conformist Satan circuits are really quite tedious — where is the theoretical insight? (Score: 4)
• Solution strategies using aleatoric methods
  This paper was a barely readable tragicomic meditation on... well, it's hard to say. It seemed more like a bunch of random thoughts strung together. (Score: 3)
• Benedict Cumberbatch and the Politics of the Encounter
  Reading this treatise on breakfast foods is like finding an obscure maggot cherub in the middle of your Vermont Curry. (Score: 5)
• Puzzle construction under the constraint of extreme tardiness
  Thinking that this paper was considered worthy of publication leaves me dismayed. Transient contribution at best. (Score: 6)
• A mildly scientific case study of spastic colon resulting from prolonged exposure to A. Wiggleus incubated in a Tetazoan environment
  This paper is full of graceless wit. Genius cannot be faked as the authors have tried to do here. (Score: 3)
• A 140-Character Discourse on Subjective Problem Solving
  This vapid, longish submission sure feels like more than one tweet. (Score: 4)
• Semifunctional puzzlenomics elucidates a sinistral shift in an annual conundrum
  The diagrams of chicken faces are too sharp; we suggest the authors fuzz pullet emoticons. (Score: 2)
• Flat and Interactive Leisure Time Hobbies for Yard-dwellers: Porcine Interpretations of Games
  The author seems distracted by fear of being murdered via firearm or blade or poison... neurotic much? (Score: 5)
• The Compact Markov Chain of Contravariant Cannibalism
  Reading this was so painful that I wish I drank venom or something beforehand. (Score: 2)
• Creation of Centrally-Reflective Wordplay Through Computationally-Assisted Models
  Ayn Rand would turn over in her grave if she saw that this demonic proletarian propaganda was being published at her conference. (Score: 9)
• Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!
  This paper was very disappointing, like finding rigged oxen when playing Oregon Trail. (Score: 3)
• Theory on the Rocks
  Perhaps the author adores sick, feeble attempts at experimental design, but this paper is totally impractical. (Score: 1)
• Reconsidering Extraspatial Dimensional Drift: Ignored Theories Offer Realizable Spacetravel
  This paper stinks! I'm reserving a polecat repellant for it. (Score: 1)
• A redesigned algorithm for numismatic denouement: ordivician mechanics for harvesting abstruse, latent linkages
  The depth of thought is on par with the absurdest Roman graffiti. (Score: 5)
• Desiderata for an Ultra-Chaotic Tangled System
  Topics shifted throughout this paper, but the last divergences were too much to bear. (Score: 1)
• Network Security Awareness for your Snow Den
  Whoever wrote this has a voracious, even lusty reliance on semicolons. Please; hire; a; proofreader. (Score: 1)
• Addition of ethanol to syrup restores newtonian fluid dynamics, increasing the maximum theoretical rate of syrup application
  Reading this paper confirmed my worst fears. Awful, pushy prose combined with illegible figures leads to madness. (Score: 5)
• The String Landscape in Alternative Zombie-infested Multiverses: Braaaaanes
  This puerile submission sounds like it was written by a crapulous, sad, acne-ridden 12-year old. (Score: 2)
• Duck Duck: a critical response to Goose
  Don't waste my time with this Stone Age, neolithic crap. (Score: 6)
• Topless Energy And Moxie Linking Up Competitive Kindred (4 4)
  The writers appear to liking clunky English. I disliking it! (Score: 23)