| A: | Let's jump in! Our first task was to film a motion picture with a motion using legs. Fastest time wins! |
| Contestant 1 was running for sixty one minutes shorter than the running time for Cool Runnings, plus the time it takes you to sing “Happy Birthday”. |
| Contestant 2 walked to the corner store in the same amount of time as a fellow who was "Walking in Memphis", minus the time it takes you to text your mom that you love her. |
| Contestant 3 kicked a can for the same amount of time Misty Hyman won a gold using fish kicks, minus the time it takes you to roll your head and neck three times. |
| Contestant 4 stood for as long as Del Toro's standing ovation, minus the time it takes you to draw five circles in the shape of the Olympic logo. |
| Contestant 5 chased his friend for as long as the car chase scene in Bullitt, plus the time it takes you to blink rapidly 30 times. |
| TM: | I'll be handing out my usual points. 5 for first place, then downwards 4, 3, 2, and then 1 point to last place. And just to be clear, even if any of you screw ups screw up, I will not be bumping anyone up the standing because you still deserve shame! |
| A: | Okay! For our second task, we asked them to build a small sculpture that weighs the heaviest. Heaviest sculpture wins! |
| Contestant 1: Their sculpture weighs about the same as two adult Syrian hamsters sitting on a stick of butter. |
| Contestant 2: Their sculpture weighs about the same as a king sized firm down pillow. |
| Contestant 3: Their sculpture weighs about the same as two full gallon jugs of whole milk. |
| Contestant 4: Their sculpture weighs about the same as an average newborn baby. |
| Contestant 5: Their sculpture weighs about the same as two bowling balls, those two being the lowest and highest weights manufactured. |
| TM: | Right, I'm awarding 5 points for first place, and 1 point for last, because it is rubbish. But the rest of you lot gets a negative 1 point each for making a sculpture of me in my birthday suit! NEXT TASK!! |
| A: | Gulp! For Task 3, we asked them to throw this duck as far down the bowling alley as possible. Farthest along the path wins! |
| Contestant 1 threw the duck an amazing six queen sized bed-lengths away. |
| Contestant 2 threw the duck about the depth of an endzone on an American football field. Touch "down" indeed! |
| Contestant 3 threw the duck about as far as a traditional UK double-decker coach if it were cut in half. |
| Contestant 4 used a slingshot to propel the duck about the length of six female alligators. |
| Contestant 5 threw the duck about the length of a kayak. |
| TM: | I'll allow the slingshot… next! |
| A: | Wait, we have some interesting developments here: One person stepped over the start line, so they have scratched! And another contestant technically threw their duck into the next lane over… |
| TM: | Two disqualifications!?! Well done! Okay, I will give out 5 points, 4 points, 1 point, and no points to the two who DQ'd. |
| A: | Last task of the show! We've asked the contestants to stack things from our collection of things here on the stage. Highest tower wins! |
| Contestant 1 has used a men's olympic barbell with weights on it longways, and added a koala bear on top of the end of the bar. |
| Contestant 2 used three standard cinder blocks standing on end. |
| Contestant 3 used five apples stacked on top of each other. That's about the size of Hello Kitty! |
| Contestant 4 used three loo rolls on the head of a newborn baby giraffe. |
| Contestant 5 used a tuba (bell side down), then added a stuffed, life-sized replica of the world's smallest woman. |
| TM: | Congratulations! Points to everyone! |
| A: | Wait, I see something strange… Third place has been caught trying to use superglue to hold things together, and is disqualified! |
| TM: | I love the sound of that! Points awarded are 5, 4, 2, 1, and a DQ! That's our show! The winner will receive a very lovely item to help with all the tasks!! |
| A: | Before we go, I forgot to mention, rounds one and two are actually antonym rounds, so I will adjust the scores accordingly! |
| TM: | You forgot that, but I just remembered that you irritate me. Good night! |