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A Twisted Theory

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Audio Transcript

It’s what I’m sayin’, it’s what I’ve been tryin’ to say. And they don’t listen. They don’t wanna listen. The people in power have been shovin’ this crap down our throats for years, “oh there’s a new pandemic and this one gives you a fever and makes you write puzzles with unclued anagrams”... it’s all lies. It’s all bullshit. They’re all just the same thing. You take a couple diseases, mix ’em around a bit, get a whole new sickness to destroy humanity and end the world. And they sell you more cures. More fear. You just… you just can’t trust anyone. [“Get Twisted” track] On the left, for one, well, the felines have infiltrated the entire party, they’re runnin’ the show from behind the scenes. On the right, this other guy, he’s stopped talkin’ about politics, started preachin’ about spontaneity and little surprises for no reason and anniversary dinners. And you know what happened to him? He died. That’s because we don’t need love. We need our scientists to make us instruments of war, devices of chaos! And that’s why you come to me. I don’t serve the lizards pullin’ the strings for our news cycles. I tell you the truth. But not everyone tells you the truth. Some cats are givin’ things for free to all-powerful wizards that control the weather. Weather? I barely know ’er! Ha ha! The other guy, I can’t even remember his name, that one guy started runnin’ around in a toga tellin’ all about the barbarian invasion and body count this, body count that. Get over it, snowflakes. It’s a barbarian invasion, people are gonna die. And don’t even get me started on Mexico. Some folks have been hustlin’ people over some tiles, and not like the ones they have in China! And some other Mexicans teamed up with Thai people to produce vegetarian lo-fi blast beat albums. It’s still unfinished right now, but even for an early version, it’s so bad, it’s a crime. Speaking of crimes, [noise of disgust] the newest sex craze is here. There’s a subset of nuts on the internet, called “Peanies”, that finds some truly disturbing things sexy. So scientists on the right side of history have started makin’ things to fight back. There’s a new device that can move whole islands. It’s how we cause chaos for the ones in power. The other app has helped us find materials for our brand new merch line. [Twisted Tees, available now on our website for only $19.99!] Also available are our Twisted Fingerless Gloves and our Twisted Jorts. These things, these are what we need to give them a taste of their own medicine. The scientists controlled by the government, well they’ve started takin’ your DNA. They’re makin’ three new people from every bit of DNA collected from your Starbucks cups and your e-signatures. And they’re makin’ those people play jazz against their will. And they will help us fight back. And these millennials, these millennials won’t help. Millennials don’t even know how to make spaghetti, they just throw a whole pot in the sink, noodles and water and all. It’s sickening. And I’ve had just about enough of this. [“Get Twisted” track] It’s all lies from the ones in charge. They use these manufactured diseases to keep us all in line, always threatening us with the possibility of more. It’s the same two viruses! The rest aren’t even real! They’re all just abnormal variants. Illnesses gone haywire! Stirred-up sicknesses! It’s all Greek to me, folks. Thanks for listening to this weekend’s Twisted Theories. This week’s episode was sponsored by–