My dreams are so weird, I started a journal so I can sort through them whenever I want.
- Boy, I sure fight good in my dreams. Maybe due to the mask and cowl, though, I couldn't quite defeat all the black-helmeted soldiers trying to bring me down. Perhaps they were after me because I helped rob a casino, even though I totally didn't want to. Anyway, they tied me up with my arms overhead, and a superhero, or maybe a supervillain, came in and killed me. Yikes!
- Cool, a flying dream! I think I was flying over Los Angeles, and it was great, until I realized I was holding a bowling ball. That pulled me down into a gigantic bowling alley, or maybe I was really tiny. After being inside a bowling ball as it rolled a strike, I zipped away on a light cycle. That was cool, too.
- I dreamed a little something about nearly everybody I knew... there was a baby I happened to know for a while, and also the waitress who got half of my lottery winnings... and I got to see what felt like a glimpse of the future of me and my wife, sitting around a dinner table with all our children and grandchildren, about to enjoy a turkey dinner.
- One moment I'm in the bathroom at my friend's place, the next thing I know I'm in the hallway of my school, and that girl with purple hair (not to be confused with the girl I got pregnant) skated by, and when I woke up she was actually at my front door!
- I guess only in my dreams would I get to play basketball with the Los Angeles Lakers! And have Kareem Abdul-Jabbar saying how great I am. That was nice of him. I'm going to warn him not to change anything if he ever has a chance to relive the past.
- Oh, it's one of those dreams -- the "I'm at school but I'm not wearing any clothes" dream. And of course there's a pep rally with the whole school watching, and of course I am one of the cheerleaders. I was so embarrassed I didn't even want to see the boy I love, who lives on an extremely nearby planet.
- Dreamed I was in a forest, watching a white unicorn run around. It was very peaceful, even though I somehow knew that savage cult members were chasing me and would be here any moment.
- I started off in a nightclub, but then I wandered, dreamlike, away from there, down a hall and past several office doors, but not the one where I had my talent agency for kids. The office I finally entered had been converted to an operating room. On the gurney was a woman in a coma, and when I pulled away the sheet, I found I could have a conversation with her unborn baby. Creeeepy.
- The plane I'm piloting loses its engines. While I feel it might be possible to execute a daring, heroic landing, in this case I crash into a building in midtown New York. Maybe I shouldn't have been the pilot in the first place, considering that I seem to be an enforcer for organized crime.
- It felt like this dream lasted seventy years, and in all that time I never reconciled with my one-time best friend over a lie we told about how we invented Post-Its, and I never told her how I got to be the dean of a college with at least one rowdy fraternity.
- What a nice dream! Despite being a property developer in a legal tussle with an ex-lover, I was also, somehow, a child in a wheat field, walking toward a barn, in which was waiting many past generations of my family. We sat down to a big, beautiful feast. My relatives put in front of me the most beautiful stack of pancakes you ever saw!
- Another flying dream! This time I had actual wings -- mechanical ones. Maybe the wings were given to me because I helped that policeman identify that experimental time-traveling drug. Anyway, there was a beautiful woman up here, too, calling to me, but before I could reach her, giant columns of earth rose from the ground, separating me from her.
- I was standing by a mirror, thinking about the best way to bring back my deceased family members as clones. I touched the surface of the mirror... and it turned out it wasn't a mirror, exactly, but some sort of sticky silver stuff that swallowed my hand, then my arm, then the rest of me, the stuff pouring straight down my mouth.
- I was sitting in a lounge in the "Hip-Hop Retirement Home," listening to others and feeling like I should leave and prepare for my wedding to a reality TV star.
- Another school dream. This time I was in a math classroom, reading a newspaper and waiting to go back to Carroll Gardens, where I lived with my wife Jess and worked as a recording studio producer. The teacher was talking about an extra credit problem he wrote on the chalkboard -- but only as a joke, as it was too difficult for anyone to actually solve. But I calmly put down my newspaper and showed them all what I can do, to the great acclamation of my classmates.
- I was lying in a hospital bed in a maternity ward. A beautiful nurse came in holding a baby. (She reminded me a little of a woman whose death I helped fake.) The baby... had my face! Disturbing enough, but he started screaming "Mama! Mama!" more and more urgently. If I'm anything, I'm his dad, right?
- Upset about an ongoing child-custody battle, I walk down a hospital corridor, past portraits of Judy Garland, Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe... at the end of the corridor is a huge medicine cabinet. I try to put handfuls of pills in my pockets, but I have no pockets.
- I dreamed I was in a hospital, talking with... hmm, he wasn't a doctor or a nurse. Some sort of businessman, and I think he was telling me some news from the estate of the author of The Catcher in the Rye. Suddenly I felt a pain in my stomach. Oh my gosh, so much pain! It was like something was in there trying to get out!