Solution to Doctor's Orders
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Answer: HOSPITAL BENEFITS
by Chris Jones, Curtis Chou, Azalea Weisblat, Kat Fang, Lillian McKinley, Robert Tunney, Sam Kim
This is a puzzle about real and folk cures for common medical issues that have complicated scientific names. The enumerations in the puzzle match the medical names of the conditions.
| Clue | Translation | Condition | Medical Name | Index | Letter |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Press glossal surface against partition between oral and nasal cavities for 3 minutes | Press tongue to roof of mouth | Brain freeze | sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia | 3 | H |
| Ingest comminuted calcium carbonate (q4h). | Eat antacid | Heartburn | pyrosis | 4 | O |
| Introduce ammonium carbonate in close proximity to the face (q1h). | Use smelling salts | Fainting | syncope | 1 | S |
| Orally ingest flower nectar fortified by secretions from Apis spp. (q.d.). | Drink honey | Sore throat | pharyngitis | 1 | P |
| Immerse hallux until corpus unguis is macerated (c. 14 min). | Submerge big toe until nail is soft | Ingrown toenail | onychocryptosis | 14 | I |
| Masticate indigestible substance 8 hrs. or until auricular pressure is relieved | Chew gum until the ear pressure is gone | Airplane ear | ear barotrauma | 8 | T |
| Apply condensed dinitrogen to affected area for seven seconds. | Use liquid nitrogen | Wart | verruca | 7 | A |
| Ingest undenatured gamete (galline), with 6M solution of ethanoic acid (a.m). | Drink a raw egg and vinegar | Hangover | veisalgia | 6 | L |
| Cover more-developed orbit with nondiaphanous integument in three-hour increments. | Cover the better eye with an eye patch | Lazy eye | amblyopia | 3 | B |
| Apply solid dihydrogen monoxide to discolored area (q.d.). | Ice it | Bruise | ecchymosis | 1 | E |
| Encourage patient to verbalize a term for A. comosus to prevent condition (12X). | Say “pineapple” | Sneeze | sternutation | 12 | N |
| Apply mixture of hyaluronic acid, dimethicone, and propylene glycol to affected area (b.i.d.) | Use skin lotion | Dry skin | xerosis | 2 | E |
| Discontinue autonomic respiratory function for 25s. | Hold your breath | Hiccup | synchronous diaphragmatic flutter | 25 | F |
| Apply pressure medially on lateral surfaces of nasal bridge with three digits and pitch toward anterior. | Pinch your nose and lean forward | Nosebleed | epistaxis | 3 | I |
| Relieve compressive stimulus from limb. Circumambulate (6 min.) | Take the weight off and walk around | Pins & needles | paresthesia | 6 | T |
| Wait several days. If abscess persists, circulate oral cavity with 8 dM sodium bicarbonate. Do not ingest. | Rinse mouth with baking soda | Canker sore | aphthous ulcer | 8 | S |
We index into the medical name of each condition by the number that appears in the clue to get the answer, HOSPITAL BENEFITS.