Solution to Doctor's Orders

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by Chris Jones, Curtis Chou, Jakob Weisblat, Kat Fang, Lillian McKinley, Robert Tunney, Sam Kim

This is a puzzle about real and folk cures for common medical issues that have complicated scientific names. The enumerations in the puzzle match the medical names of the conditions.

Clue Translation Condition Medical Name Index Letter
Press glossal surface against partition between oral and nasal cavities for 3 minutes Press tongue to roof of mouth Brain freeze sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia 3 H
Ingest comminuted calcium carbonate (q4h). Eat antacid Heartburn pyrosis 4 O
Introduce ammonium carbonate in close proximity to the face (q1h). Use smelling salts Fainting syncope 1 S
Orally ingest flower nectar fortified by secretions from Apis spp. (q.d.). Drink honey Sore throat pharyngitis 1 P
Immerse hallux until corpus unguis is macerated (c. 14 min). Submerge big toe until nail is soft Ingrown toenail onychocryptosis 14 I
Masticate indigestible substance 8 hrs. or until auricular pressure is relieved Chew gum until the ear pressure is gone Airplane ear ear barotrauma 8 T
Apply condensed dinitrogen to affected area for seven seconds. Use liquid nitrogen Wart verruca 7 A
Ingest undenatured gamete (galline), with 6M solution of ethanoic acid (a.m). Drink a raw egg and vinegar Hangover veisalgia 6 L
Cover more-developed orbit with nondiaphanous integument in three-hour increments. Cover the better eye with an eye patch Lazy eye amblyopia 3 B
Apply solid dihydrogen monoxide to discolored area (q.d.). Ice it Bruise ecchymosis 1 E
Encourage patient to verbalize a term for A. comosus to prevent condition (12X). Say “pineapple” Sneeze sternutation 12 N
Apply mixture of hyaluronic acid, dimethicone, and propylene glycol to affected area (b.i.d.) Use skin lotion Dry skin xerosis 2 E
Discontinue autonomic respiratory function for 25s. Hold your breath Hiccup synchronous diaphragmatic flutter 25 F
Apply pressure medially on lateral surfaces of nasal bridge with three digits and pitch toward anterior. Pinch your nose and lean forward Nosebleed epistaxis 3 I
Relieve compressive stimulus from limb. Circumambulate (6 min.) Take the weight off and walk around Pins & needles paresthesia 6 T
Wait several days. If abscess persists, circulate oral cavity with 8 dM sodium bicarbonate. Do not ingest. Rinse mouth with baking soda Canker sore aphthous ulcer 8 S

We index into the medical name of each condition by the number that appears in the clue to get the answer, HOSPITAL BENEFITS.

Authors’ Notes

This puzzle was written in a group puzzle-writing session at our first writing retreat.