Bake Off

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This recipe is veeeeeery long, but you can skip a lot of steps by finding the intermediate products in your pantry.

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In steps 2 through 4, you are planting sugarcane. Later, in steps 44-55, you refine the sugarcane into about 1/2 cup of white sugar. Make sure to pay attention to step 60!


The recipe is indeed for sugar cookies, but make sure to pay attention to step 60! Here is a simplified recipe for your convenience:

Ingredients: 1 stick butter, ½ cup sugar, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla, 1 tsp baking powder, ⅛ tsp salt, 250 g flour

Instructions: (1) Cream the butter and sugar in a large bowl. (2) Mix in the vanilla and the egg. (3) Mix the remaining dry ingredients in a medium bowl, then add to the wet. (4) Lightly grease a baking sheet or line it with parchment paper. Separate the dough and shape it on the baking sheet. (5) Bake at 400º F for 10–12 minutes.

  1. Preheat your oven to a temperature of 400º F.
  2. Acquire a small plot of land in a tropical or subtropical climate.
  3. Around October, dig a shallow trench and lay your existing stalk in the trench. Cover the trench with soil (making sure that the stalk is completely covered).
  4. Water your plot with an inch or two of water. Be sure to continue watering your plot about once a week. Small shoots should appear in the early spring.
  5. Acquire a second plot of land, this time in a continental or temperate climate. Make sure to deputize someone to water your other plot while you are away.
  6. Dig furrows.
  7. Broadcast the seeds evenly across the field.
  8. Till the soil so that the seeds are covered. The depth of the seeds should be at least up to the main (metacarpal) joint of your thumb to protect them from the winter cold.
  9. Water and otherwise care for the field for the remaining months.
  10. Acquire several bean pods from the plot of a neighbor.
  11. Cut the bean pods in half lengthwise.
  12. Place the beans in an 8 oz jar.
  13. Fill the jar with vodka.
  14. Put the jar in a cool, dark place (perhaps your basement) for at least 8 weeks.
  15. Acquire a cow.
  16. A cow requires several acres of grassland for feeding. Be sure that your small plot of land has sufficient size to comfortably accommodate the cow. If in addition you would like your cow to be USDA-certified “free range”, the plot of land should be at least partially outdoors.
  17. Be sure to supply your cow with dried grass during the winter when it is not available from the ground.
  18. Use the manure from the cow to fertilize your garden beds.
  19. When summer comes, it’s time to harvest the temperate field. Use a pair of garden shears to snip off and collect the heads.
  20. Bind the heads together into a long sheaf. Use a piece of twine or cord to tie the sheaf around the middle.
  21. Arrange the sheaf upright outside for three to six weeks, allowing it to dry out completely.
  22. In the meantime, acquire a baby chicken. Consider acquiring multiple chickens so that they don’t get lonely.
  23. Construct a chicken coop with a comfy nest.
  24. Feed your chicken(s). In order to be USDA-certified “free range”, you should give your chicken some outdoor roaming space. If you furthermore want your chicken to be USDA-certified “organic”, you need to additionally be sure not to feed your chicken any pesticides.
  25. Travel to the Green River Formation in Wyoming, set up a bore miner or continuous miner approximately 1500 feet below the surface, and mine a small quantity of trona ore.
  26. Crush the ore into an extremely fine powder. A mortar and pestle may work with enough time and exertion, but a more thorough job can be accomplished with a mechanical jaw crusher and a vibrating pulverizer.
  27. Heat the ore in the oven. This will release CO2 gas, so be sure to ventilate well.
  28. Dissolve the powder in water, filter, and boil to remove impurities.
  29. Move the solution into a pressure cooker.
  30. Introduce pure CO2 gas, increase the pressure, but do not increase the temperature. The solution should be allowed to cool and precipitate out small crystals.
  31. Use a centrifuge to separate out the desired crystals. You should collect about ½ tsp.
  32. Add the compound to a small bowl.
  33. Now, return to the sheaf you left to dry. You need to separate the berries from the stalks. There are several methods to accomplish this. We recommend untying the sheaf, putting it into a pillowcase, and beating the pillowcase with a stick for five minutes.
  34. Pour the berries and remaining bits of crop back and forth between two containers until you winnow away all but the berries. You will need about 240g of berries.
  35. Put the berries into a coffee grinder or food processor and grind them on the finest setting.
  36. Sift the resulting powder at least twice, throwing out the large particulates. Collect the product in a medium bowl.
  37. Head to your nearest ocean and collect approximately 2 tbsp of seawater.
  38. Use a dishcloth to filter out sand and other large particles that may be present in your seawater.
  39. Bring the seawater to boil in a tiny pot over high heat.
  40. Allow the pot to boil until almost all of the water is evaporated. As the water boils off, you should steadily turn down the heat. Be careful not to burn anything!
  41. Turn off the heat and move the mixture to a plate.
  42. Wait two weeks for the mixture to dry.
  43. Add the precipitate to the medium bowl.
  44. In early fall, returning to the tropical clime, use a machete to chop the stalks off near their bases.
  45. Use the machete to chop off the leaves and branches of the stalks.
  46. Crush the stalks, for example using a roller press, mortar and pestle, or the tire of a vehicle.
  47. Collect the thick runoff juices into a medium-size pot.
  48. Boil the juices, cooking the slurry down until excess water evaporates. There may be foamy gunk on top of the slurry, as well as fibrous chunks in the slurry itself; discard both of these.
  49. Boil the slurry further until it begins to crystallize.
  50. Separate the solid matter from the liquid. The easiest way to do this is using a centrifuge. You should have a bit more than a half cup of solid matter.
  51. Dissolve the solids in pure water.
  52. Strain the solution using a very fine mesh to remove any lingering particles.
  53. Boil the solution until it becomes extremely thick and concentrated.
  54. Spread the mixture out across a narrow pan and allow it to dry out at air temperature. This step will take several days and cannot be skipped. If you do not allow the mixture to fully dry, it is possible that moisture will allow bacteria to grow and ruin your product.
  55. Collect the resulting crystals in a large bowl.
  56. Acquire a single corn plant. It is recommended that you trade some of your other agricultural products for corn, as you’ll only need one ear and that way you can focus on the health of your other crops.
  57. Hang the corn in a dry place for three to four weeks until it becomes dried out.
  58. Acquire a medium-large bucket.
  59. Milk the cow into the bucket. You will only need about a half gallon of milk for this recipe. The remaining milk can be pasteurized and consumed.
  60. You will have a lot of time to think between farming and milking your cow. During this time, think about how to make your final product look as much as possible like your team emoji.
  61. Chill the milk in a refrigerator for twenty-four hours.
  62. During the previous step, the lighter portion of the milk should have risen to the top. Skim it off with a ladle into a separate jug.
  63. Allow the jug to come to room temperature.
  64. Pour the contents of the jug into a blender and blend on low for five minutes. When the mixture starts to congeal, you know it’s time to stop. If you go too long, the blender will start to cut the result into small pieces.
  65. Pour off the fluid from the blender and rinse the solid under cold running water. Complete this step thoroughly else the product may start to turn rancid during the time it takes to complete the remaining steps.
  66. Add the solid to the large bowl.
  67. Beat together the contents of the large bowl.
  68. Add 1 teaspoon from the jar in your basement to the large bowl.
  69. Return to your chicken(s).
  70. After about 18 weeks, small objects should begin appearing in the nest. Do not try to collect them if there is a chicken sitting on top of them. You should continue to check the nest each morning. Most days there will be a new one for you.
  71. You will undoubtedly collect many, many of these objects. You may consider separating some of them and using the lighter parts plus food coloring to create a topping (see the Internet for recipes).
  72. Break one of the objects into the large bowl.
  73. Beat in the contents lightly with a fork or whisk.
  74. Acquire a wine cask that has just finished aging.
  75. Pour the wine into bottles and sell them to fund your other activities.
  76. Scrape the residue off the inside of the cask.
  77. Add water and filter the solution to remove wood particles and such.
  78. Boil the solution until it starts to get cloudy.
  79. Test the pH. It should be approximately 3.557.
  80. Continue to boil the solution until it thickens.
  81. Spread the solution out on some paper to dry.
  82. Add ¼ tsp of the resulting powder to the small bowl.
  83. Return to your now-dry ear of corn.
  84. Separate the kernels from the ear.
  85. Soak the kernels overnight in lukewarm water.
  86. Add the kernels into a blender, adding enough water to fully immerse the kernels.
  87. Blend until smooth.
  88. If the paste is thick, add water until the consistency becomes runny.
  89. Use a cheesecloth to strain the paste into a cup, discarding the chunkier stuff left in the cheesecloth.
  90. Allow the paste to rest for several hours. During this time, the water should separate from the solid material on the bottom. At the end of the time period, pour off as much water as possible.
  91. Using a spoon, scrape off the solid material from the bottom of the bowl, collecting just enough material to cover the first third or so of the teaspoon.
  92. Spread the paste onto a plate or baking pan and allow it to sun-dry for several hours.
  93. Grind the dried paste into a fine powder with a mortar and pestle and mix the powder together into the small bowl.
  94. Pour the contents of the small bowl into the medium bowl.
  95. Stir together the contents of the medium bowl and pour it into the large bowl.
  96. Portion and shape the mass as you have contemplated.
  97. Bake until done.
  98. Strongly consider adorning appropriately.
  99. Once you have your finished product, show us the result of your labor. During the hunt, teams emailed their submissions to HQ and received the answer CILANTRO.