Now that you’ve achieved success, it’s time to prove it! You will need to show us evidence that you’ve completed some or all of the careers you previously prepared for. This evidence is in the form of Items of Achievement. Fortunately for you, none of us have actually seen most of these things, so we’re acting mostly off of what we’ve heard.

Of course, the only real measure of success is money. Your life really amounts to nothing without it. Our appraisers will value your Items of Achievement and grant you (fake) money with which to demonstrate to your peers that you have Succeeded In Life. You will be granted money based on our known criteria of each object, and a standard rubric of the following categories

  • Authenticity
  • Functionality
  • Sturdiness
  • Style
  • Bonus (Judges’ Discretion)

For each Item of Achievement, you may receive up to $50M in each category (in invisible fake currency), for a total of $250M possible per item. In order to fully prove your success, you’ll need to earn an amount of money that depends on your team size

Team size Quantifiable Success
1 to 20 team members $1B
21 to 40 team members $1.5B
41 to 60 team members $2.25B
Greater than 60 team members $3B

Since success is also judged against meeting your goals, you must demonstrate items for professions that you previously earned Keys To Success for. If you have proof for all of these careers and still need more cash (don’t we all), you may then add more careers.

When you believe that you have all of the necessary items, submit the instruction “ITS DEFINITELY ALL REAL” to Cranium Command, and we’ll schedule some appraisers to visit your HQ.

The Items of Achievement

Career Item of Achievement Characteristics of Item
Race Car Driver A quilt
  • At least twin-sized
  • Includes cars or other racing-related design elements
  • Includes embroidered signature of the winner
Architect Blueprints for the Stata Center
  • Includes at least one secret passage
  • Hand-drawn on legal-size or larger paper
  • Blue
Doctor An x-ray machine
  • Produces an x-ray for us of an object of our choosing
  • Has radiation warning signs
Rock Star A music video recorded for us
  • Includes singing
  • Includes backup dancers
  • Includes at least one ridiculous costume
Cheerleader A cheer routine featuring multiple team members, created and performed for us
  • Team members are coordinated
  • At least one team member must be on top of at least one other team member
  • Motivates team to solve a puzzle
Professor Tenure If we told you exactly what was required, would it really be tenure?
Astronaut An astronaut helmet
  • Solid structure
  • Fits on a team member’s head without falling off
  • Team member can submerge their head under water without holding their breath
  • Has NASA logo
Firefighter A fire hydrant
  • Sprays water when cap is opened (not toward us)
  • Brightly colored
  • Attractive to dogs
Lion Tamer A caged lion
  • Living mammal with a mane and some amount of yellow fur
  • Roars convincingly
  • Cage structurally sound (oh god please)
Ballerina A barre
  • Allows 4+ team members to perform barre warmups
  • Placed in front of a mirror
  • Ballet teacher calling warmup
Engineer A Brass Rat
  • Made of material that looks like brass
  • Topologically equivalent to a donut
  • Somehow magically gets you jobs
  • Is definitely worth all this shit
Movie Star An Oscar
  • Gold statue
  • Shaped like a person
  • Has a nameplate with team member’s name
Clown A clown car
  • Has wheels
  • Can implausibly fit multiple team members inside
  • Moves with team members inside
Dinosaur RAWWWR (you are now a dinosaur)
  • Appropriate teeth
  • Previously postulated dinosaur color
  • Convincing dinosaur sounds
Mountain Climber A mountain
  • Team member can climb it
  • Covered in ice and snow
  • Very tall
Princess A unicorn
  • Sparkles
  • Has a horn
  • Poops rainbows
Standup Comedian An SNL-style skit, written and performed for us
  • Makes us laugh
  • Written by your team
  • Performers in costume
Volcanologist A volcano
  • Erupts warm red fluid
  • Emits ash
  • Accompanied by earthquakes
Pet Store Owner A small mammal habitat
  • Securely holds a small mammal
  • Allows for feeding of small mammal
  • Provides entertainment for small mammal
Paleontologist A dinosaur skeleton
  • The foot bone connects to the leg bone
  • The leg bone connects to the hip bone
  • The head bone connects to the back bone
Doctor Who A TARDIS
  • Is bigger on the inside than the outside
  • Is blue
  • Can be opened by a team member snapping their fingers
Park Ranger A campfire (no actual fires in HQs please)
  • Constructed like a little house/tipi
  • Warm
  • Gives off a pleasing light
Baker A cake decorated by your team
  • Edible and tasty dessert
  • Decorated artistically
  • Has a celebratory message
Politician An elected official
  • Has been provably elected to some position, not related to Mystery Hunt
  • Election was free and fair
  • Can give a short victory speech