The Dogged Pursuit of Justice, AKA: Caught Red-Handed

Sam Spade shuffled off to the Bow-Wow club. He was no card-carrying member, but he was a fan, and in his heart he knew it would be a full house. Earlier, he'd called in a favor and scored the attendee list - all the local gangsters were there, a dastardly lot with long rap sheets of shady dealings, and somewhere among them was the gang of diamond themes, the Obscene Fourteen.

Sam had to be careful, or he'd get cut, or maybe decked with a blackjack - he'd avoid having his pretty face rearranged at all costs! That said, he'd cut a deal with the owner, and he knew how to blend in. He'd gingerly canvass the mob without riling them up, expose the diamond thieves, draw out their kingpin, and run him up the river.

As he pulled up, he was handed a pair of towels, and was directed straight toward the smoking lounge, the bistro, and the spa. Good thing he'd remembered his swimsuit. His face flush with excitement, he gave his notes one last review, put on his best game face, and entered...


SAM'S STRATEGY

  1. Question the attendees and find a clue without upsetting the crowd.
  2. Corner the gang of thieves known as "The Obscene Fourteen".
  3. Interrogate the gang to expose their leader, call him out, and then nab him!

THE ATTENDEE LIST:

AIDAN "DAVID" HUME
Paleontolgist's Arm-bone Restoration Machinist

One high-ranking government official who focused on taking down the Soviet government. He faked the death of the daughter of another suspect, and sent presumed pieces of her to him in jail. He was captured and blown to smithereens when the farce was exposed.

LORD NARBONNE "SISSY K'S BO DEREK" JANE
Bingo Parlor Matchmaker / Bingo Declaration Checker

A master of covert surveillance, this former spy is still in hiding and is rarely seen. He is best known for creating a complicated encryption applied to a set of files containing vast amounts of politically destructive data.

STEVE I. "SOLITAIRE SAX" HORNBLOWER
Pussyfooting Acrobat

Master of the frame-up, targeting wealthy bankers and high-profile businessmen, robbing them for millions, and pinning a horrible crime to steer attention away. Whereabouts currently unknown.

RONALDO "CURSE OF MEXICO" TEZUMAS-KACKAS
Blind Peer Review Coordinator for the Amerindic Annals of Geronimo

Overlord of a crime syndicate with a misguided chip on his shoulder; he escaped imprisonment by killing his captors with a sharpened bone, and was eventually killed after blowing up another suspect with a pipe bomb.

QUENTIN "PUPPY FOOT" STEPP-HEELE
Set Sights on Operating Something - Something Big - Probably "Man Bites Dog" Competition

Hacker and international spy killer with unofficial connections to the Chinese government. He was captured when fleeing his underground bunker.

ZARO "CANDY CANE DEVOTION" TREACLE
Didn't Mention It (Dork)

The first of four brothers specialized in kidnappings. Together, they kidnapped a US general's daughter, nearly blowing her up to get at her father, kidnapped a respected scientist, and even kidnapped one of the suspects on this list. Shot and killed by US agents.

SIR ALAN D. F. "GREAT SCOTT LANCELOT" HORSE-TROTT
Really Good Caballero Schooler

A sick, vengeful terrorist responsible for several atrocities, including the bombing of a US embassy in Damascus and abducting French ambassadors in Algiers. Eventually shot and fell off a building to his death.

HY "RICH RACE TRACK" MACHIN-RHODES
Dungaree Pants Maker and Fish Monger

A serial killer who doled out "eye for an eye" punishment to people who abuse family members, after which their injuries (nearly?) always killed them. He was shot and killed in the process of torturing his last victim.

MARK "BATMAN'S MARSHA" SOCKE-HUNT
Attic Defumigator, First Class

A dying claims adjuster turned to selling contract assassinations - convincing innocent people to fulfill a contract and commit suicide in exchange for their family's financial security. He blew himself up with a bomb rather than be caught.

SAMMAEL "THE DEVIL'S BEDPOST"
Bed & Pyjama Retailer, Clootie Company of Early Bird Goods

This separatist is notorious for kidnapping foreign executives for heavy ransoms. Fueled by the death of a brother to benzene poisoning, he recently pursued justice for an environmental catastrophe caused by a large chemical company.

ISAAC "THE EUNUCH" ANORCHYS
IT Anarchist, Feisty CMOS Solderer

Odious in professional hits, he (among other heinous crimes) directed suicide bombers, assassinated a Sunni leader, and kidnapped an American missile scientist. Executed by Mossad.

MORTMIER "LOYALTY AT THE RISK OF DEATH" MYRMIDON
Moonlighter at Target

Ruthless international terrorist who bombed a high-profile meeting in Pishin, Iran. Faked his own death and became an assassin, killing more Mossad agents than anyone in history. Captured and presumed executed.

TOMMY "THE SCOURGE OF SCOTLAND" MOORE
Vox Populi Realignment Manager

Cannibalistic copycat serial killer who hunted down abusive men with a crossbow. Thankfully incarcerated.

ALGOR "CORUNDUM FEVER" AIGYU
Blow, PCP, and R.C. Cola Dealer for Daffy Duck

Detestable heart surgeon who went underground after massive ethics violations were leading to his arrest. Jailed for leasing organs to criminals for $500,000 a year, ripping them out if they failed to pay, and for illegally placing adult organs in children.

HENRY, "THE SUICIDE KING"
Scared to Death, Seeks Some Opening

The second of four brothers specialized in kidnappings. Together, they kidnapped a US general's daughter (nearly blowing her up to get at her father), a respected scientist, and even kidnapped one of the suspects on this list. Shot and killed by US agents.

AMBROSE "THE MAN WITH THE AXE" SWINGERT
Blancs (Pinot, Riesling, Chardonnays) Connoisseur (Ready for White Bordeaux)

This military-trained cyberhacker and skiptracer with a dissociative personality specialized in informational bounty hunting. Currently in prison.

A. A. "PASSIONATE SAWBUCK" MITER-HART
Dual-Purpose Mortician

Influential socialite by day, expert thief by night. Was tricked into divulging the locations of six Soviet-era nuclear warheads hidden across the U.S. Current whereabouts are unknown.

KAZ M. "MIDDLE EAST MOP-SQUEEZER" ARRINGER
Supervisor of Rapeseed & Grapeseed Silo Roof Gutterers

Led by a cult prophet and polygamist separatist who fenced weapons and other contraband through his heavily fortified compound. His son killed him by driving sharp sticks into his mouth and eye sockets.

MICHAEL "SALMON-SPEAR" DACE
Meatball Impersonator

Insidious disposal expert, specializing in dissolving corpses into a veritable chemical soup, and collector of souvenir teeth. After a run-in with the law, he was disappeared into a tub of his own toxic goulash.

SAMUEL "OLD FRIZZLE" HAIRMATTEN
Pipefitter

Notorious hacker with a vendetta against the Russians, complicit in a scheme to steal a prototype of a cyberwarfare device from the Americans that could bypass nearly any infrastructural security. Still at large.

ALBERTO "PIG'S EYE" HOGG-MONYKYL
Pig Slopper

"Eye for an eye" server of vigilante justice over those who wrongfully convicted others, presiding over a secret kangaroo court. Currently incarcerated.

GAVIN "STACEY Q SINGLE" HOTTUNE
Barbeques Pork Ribs in Copper Cookpots for Ass-Kissing Doctors

Responsible for widespread poaching and trafficking of illegal animals and animal products, ear-tagging competitors, hunting them down for sport, and then skinning them for taxidermy.

HAYBIBI "MIDDLESEX LOUNGE SEX" MATER-ALLUM
Harem Nabob and Musk Dauber (Nice!)

One of the least notable figures, but garnered attention for establishing an online bounty for confirming the death of a notable US agent (later canceled).

ALISTAIR "A BOOT OF SWORDS " ROOSE-MORMONT
Pie Appler, Oxnard McDonald's

Tricky cyberwarfare specialist, infamous for using social media and spreading disinformation to cover up crimes or drive stocks. His operation was shut down when his last client gave him up to the US authorities.

UMA SIMNEL "THE CRISPIN" HARDY
Naysaying Affirmation Maker / Ostensible Chiropodist / Smelly Foot Cologner

An assassin unafraid of thousands of collateral deaths to get to his victim, often making murders look accidental. While evading the FBI, he collided with a taxi and was taken prisoner.

BLANIRUS "HELEN OF TROY"
Ship Rebuilding General Contractor

The third of four brothers specialized in kidnappings. Together, they kidnapped a US general's daughter (nearly blowing her up to get at her father), a respected scientist, and even kidnapped one of the suspects on this list. Shot and killed by US agents.

SIR HENRY "TIME TRAVEL ARDOR" ANIWEN
Mastodon Dentist

Focused on human immortality experiments on abducted disabled test subjects, supported by the now-deceased billionaire's money.

ULLY "DANCE FREEDOM DEUCE" ANNY-STILES
Blattnerphone Playback Record Chiseler for Making Groovy

Secretly kidnapped women and put their children for adoption; leader fathered over 27 of those children before he was finally caught and jailed.

THEODORE "SNOWMAN PIKE" AVALANCHE
Dank Pit Monster Race Mixer

Nefarious "black wolf" assassin, specializing in making his murders appear to be accidental or the actions of others (e.g. framing a US agent for the death of a Senator). Eluded authorities, recently captured and tortured for his confession.

WORF H. "PHOENIX LANDING HOG NADS" TESTIMAN
German Beer Gardener

Runs an underground "charm school" that molds lost children into cunning deep-cover spies and agents, including one of the other suspects (his greatest, and possibly only, significant failure).

MATTHEW "NEENER LOVE" KEEPUM-HIGH
Reformed Masturbator

Anti-capitalist terrorist who downed planes, hijacked armored cars, and stole a US currency prototype, but was caught by US agents before it could be put to serious use.

BUFFALO "NICKEL HEROES" IDOL-HALL
Pennyweight Arbalester

Dangerous spy and assassin since very young, his mastery of disguise was flawless until he fell in love with his mark, after which his web of deceit steadily fell apart. While still on the run, he surfaces from time to time.

ROSS "THE PIQUES OF NINA ROSS" ROSSETTI
Herd of Turtles' Amp Operator

Germ warfare and biochemical terrorist, spread fear by gassing first a train and later a courthouse with an aerosolized virus, killing many people. Shot while trying to inject an untested compound into a child subject.

STEVEN A. "THE CRAB DIGGER" MEDLAR
Butter Pat Rinser for Chef Curtis Stone's All-Day Girlfriend

Sick, brutal transporter addicted to opium and who cannot feel pain, his abilities in bringing criminals into a country made him the perfect middle man. Died in a gunfight with US agents after a botched mission.

JOSE M. "HAVANA POTHOOK" ALUDEL
Designer of Huge Trophies of Angry Ocelots

International transporter, specializing in smuggling contraband and criminals in coffins, including shipping one of these suspects into the United States. Currently deceased.

AJ "ICE DEWEY" A. MCDOC
Blepharitis Problem "Revisionist" & Clap Corrector for De Quervain's Disease

A crime lord sent to prison by four US FBI agents. Upon escape, he systematically stalked and eliminated them in the name of honor, until he was decapitated in pursuit of his last two targets.

FOUCAULT "A POSTMODERN FAMILY" MOMAN-GRANNEE
Buys Puerto Rican Cigars, Can't Back Down

Robbed victims penniless, stealing money and valuables, and draining credit cards before setting them free. After an intense affair, numerous associates were shot and killed, while others were incarcerated.

AILEY "BEER CARD" HEINICK-HOEGARD
Perfect Swizzlestick Agitator

Political strategist excelling in making or breaking politicians by any means necessary, including staging a car crash for an assemblyman that accidentally killed his wife. Shot and killed during a physical struggle with US agents.

TIHI J. "LAUGHING BOY" HAHNEMANN
Ikea Instructions Swedifier (Intern)

A disgraced genetics researcher, he became an expert in faking deaths through DNA manipulation. He was ultimately shot and killed by his wife while trying to escape capture.

WALDO "PEDRO'S SHOVEL" INGALLS-HOUSER
Puppet Accountant

Reputed "vengeance for hire" contractor with massive daddy issues. Facilitated the kidnapping and rape of a British princess and fed a drug dealer alive to a cannibal, incarcerated by the Americans after being double-crossed.

YAZ "DESCRIPTIVE COUNT OF BASES" ALOU
Bat Polisher and Regurgitated Chaw Custodian for Brandon Gomes

Led by an aspiring, radical messiah to commit acts of eco-terrorism and attempt to start a pandemic, intending to infect two dozen cities across the globe with a virulent pneumonic plague. Fortunately, the prophet committed suicide rather than be caught.

TOPAZ Y. "BIG CASSINO" RIVIERA
Vendor/Purveyor of Rubber Matchsticks

International money launderer extraordinaire, able to keep the illicit activities under wraps. Still active, essentially too big in this business to fail.

HERCULE, "THE ELLERY QUEEN MYSTERY"
Manufactures High-End Skipping Ropes

Terrifying half-blind mercenary skilled at prison exfiltration. Died when stabbed in the neck with a pair of scissors by the man who scarred his face, who he had kidnapped and tortured for revenge.

HENRY "NEW VEGAS ROOKIE" RADD-STERLING
Anteater Farm Caretaker

Nasty secret operative who became his country's attorney general; murdered in cold blood by an FBI agent (despite witnesses' pleas to the contrary).

SALIENTIAN, "THE TOAD BUTTS"
Best Picker of Russian Collegiate Concubines for Matt Damon

A truly grim reaper, this eco-terrorist coordinated numerous bankrupting raids on GMO agricultural companies, who he saw as destroying the livelihoods of small farmers. Currently incarcerated.

A. FRANK "THE WESTERN FRONT HOCKEY STICK" KATCZINSKY
Quiet Fermenter of Cheese Sticks

Soldier in the Gulf War with a grudge due to a friendly fire incident, infamous for stealing money and data from Iran, China, and the USA. He was hanged to death after breaking out of and (briefly) taking over a CIA black site.

RICHARD "LA HIRE"
Deist; God-Seeker; Doxologist

The fourth of four brothers specialized in kidnappings. Together, they kidnapped a US general's daughter (nearly blowing her up to get at her father), a respected scientist, and even kidnapped one of the suspects on this list. Shot and killed by US agents.

MEL "HOROWITZ MYSTERY COMPILATION" KLOOMAN
Bicycle Path Refurbisher (Carlsbad Caverns) and Qualified Dietitian

The patriarch of a traveling, black-market auction; his sons compete in a twisted tontine, the loser each year playing Russian roulette with his life as the inheritance inevitably grows. Shot dead by that foul sport's revolver.

HALP S. "A MAIDEN'S DISTRESS" MIZZ-ARIE
Will Sext Babes at Pep Rallies (Cheerleader Moms)

Howard Hughes-esque billionaire who kidnapped and cryopreserved scientists with the intention of rebuilding the earth after doomsday in 2017.

MAMBAZZ "BLACK LADY" HOH-ZMITT
Ribald Radiosonde Meteorologist

Brilliant prosecutor and professor who developed a high-profile network in jail, after kidnapping his son from his ex-wife. Sprung from prison and on the lam, it was overheard recently he was on his way to Papeete.

IOLLAS "THE GREAT MACEDONIAN" INARGEAD
Refrigerator (Very Cool)

A corporate terrorist who nearly blew up Houston with a dirty bomb, was eventually captured, but escaped and is still at large.

MIKE "ONE-LEGGED ACE OF BLADES" ZABERMAN
British Pirate Radio Channel Commercial Thanks-Giver

Operating as a psychologist, this black-ops Mengele experimented with turning citizens (his patients) into killing machines (usually fatal) through the application of extreme stress conditions. Ultimately shot and killed.