Solution to Welcome to Dead Waters

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The puzzler is presented with five statements; the first insight is that they realize the statements are cryptograms. Instead of English letters, the cryptograms are made up of international phonetic alphabet (also known as IPA) symbols. Each cryptogram should be solved in turn to reveal an English clue phrase written in IPA:

• ðɪs bɪər ɪz ə dαrk draɪ staʊt ðət ɪz ə meɪdʒər sɛlər ɪn aɪrɪʃ bαrz. ɪt boʊsts ə krimi, ræðər ðən fɪzi, hɛd du tu ðə jus əv naɪtrədʒən gæs
• ðɪs bɪər ɪz ə braʊn eɪl ðət heɪlz frəm ðə nɔrθ əv ɪŋglənd. ɪt meɪks jus əv "ðə wʌn ænd oʊnli" əz ɪts sloʊgən.
• ðɪs bɪər ɪz ðə lɔŋ-taɪm moʊst pαpjələr bɪər ɪn əmɛrɪkə. ðə brænd hæz juzd ænəməlz ɪn ædvərtaɪzɪŋ: klaɪdzdeɪl hɔrsɛz, ðə dɔg spʌdz məkɛnzi, ænd wɔltər ðə skwɜrəl.
• ðɪs bɪər ɪz ən əmɛrɪkən brænd ænd meks ən ɪnɪkspɛnsɪv "blu rɪbən" vəraɪəti ðæt ɪz pαpjələr əmʌŋ ɜrbən hɪpstərz.
• ðɪs bɪər ɪz fɪkʃənəl. ɪt wʌn oʊvər hoʊmər ænd bαrni. wʌn əv ɪts mɛni sloʊgənz ɪz "ðə bɪər ðət meɪks ðə deɪz flaɪ baɪ."

The flavortext hints at a "hoppy" substance, namely India Pale Ale (IPA), a beer renowned for its hoppy taste. Each clue phrase clues a beer whose IPA (international phonetic alphabet) translation is the specified number of letters.

• This beer is a dark dry stout that is a major seller in Irish bars. It boasts a creamy, rather than fizzy, head due to the use of nitrogen gas. = GUINNESS or gɪnɪs
• This beer is a brown ale that hails from the north of England. It makes use of "The One and Only" as its slogan. = NEWCASTLE or nukæsəl
• This beer is the long-time most popular beer in America. The brand has used animals in advertising: Clydesdale horses, the dog Spuds MacKenzie, and Walter the Squirrel. = BUD LIGHT or bʌdlaɪt
• This beer is an American brand, and makes an inexpensive "Blue Ribbon" variety that is popular among urban hipsters. = PABST or pæbst
• This beer is fictional. It won over Homer and Barney. One of its many slogans is "the beer that makes the days fly by." = DUFF or dʌf

The puzzler should then re-encode each plaintext answer using the key from the corresponding clue phrase. This yields:

Translating from IPA to English, this yields the clue Sam Adams grains of paradise ale = SUMMER, which is the answer.