Act 1

Scene Location 3: Buffet

APRIL HARE

[examining the offerings] Oh, well what do we have here?


BOB THE GECKO

Hello, I'm Bob the Gecko!


APRIL HARE

Hmm? Oh, how do you do?


BOB THE GECKO

Are you related to March?


APRIL HARE

Yes, my brother.


BOB THE GECKO

He's super rich! Do you like cheese?


APRIL HARE

Well, actually my lactose intolerance prevents me from...


BOB THE GECKO

I LOVE CHEESE. Mr. Hatter let me pick all of the snacks so I made them all out of cheese!


APRIL HARE

I... see. Is there anything not with cheese?


BOB THE GECKO

Nothing but cheese! I got every kind! Do you know how many kinds of cheeses there are?


APRIL HARE

Well, I have organized several social events before, so..


BOB THE GECKO

There are SO MANY! There's even an app for it! Do you have a iPhone?


APRIL HARE

I think I left it in my fur.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 4: Closet

BUTTERFLY

Oh ever since I got rid of that furry coat I feel so cold all the time, but it just won't do to stuff my wings inside some old coat. Wow, what an amazing closet! It's like a walk-in. I wonder who all these coats belong to. Oh my, is that a Hare coat? It's simply adorable... I wonder if it would fit me.


[sound of door shutting]


Oh my, it's awfully dark in here. I wonder where the light switch is.


[rustling, sound of things falling to the ground]


Well, a light would just attract those stupid moths. Honestly, who do they think they are?


[more crashes]


Oh dear. Maybe I should call someone?


[sound of cellphone dialing]


Hello? Hello? No, I'm not in danger, I just walked into a closet and I can't seem to find my way out. Why are you laughing?


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 6: Hallway

CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

[crunching sounds] Great party, huh? Want some espresso beans?


TWEEDLEDOO

Are they those chocolate covered things? I never got why people eat those.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Actually they're covered in a 50/50 coffee chocolate compound for extra caffeine.


TWEEDLEDOO

I think I need some real food, thanks.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Your loss! I think the selection might be a bit limited though. Hey, you look really familiar. Have we met before? Or maybe you have a relative here?


TWEEDLEDOO

[sighs] Tweedledee and Tweedledum.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

O-M-G, really? I've been making shoes for them for years. You must be Tweedledoo! Dee and Dum are always talking about you.


TWEEDLEDOO

Oh really.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

All good things, all good things! In fact, I was just talking to Dee on the phone and he was saying how smart you were. Then Dum texted me saying you're a total dumbass. [pause] So which one do you think is right more often?


TWEEDLEDOO

Is the bar next to the food?


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

No, it's...


TWEEDLEDOO

Nevermind, I'll find it.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 8: Balcony

REAL TURTLE

[sound of spray can]

Real nice view out here. Southern exposure. Must get a lot of light.

[can shaking]

And that's exactly what's wrong with it:

[can spraying]

Too much Nice, not enough Real. A turtle can barely even see the streets from way up here!

[spraying continues]

Aaaand that should do--


CHESHIRE DENTIST

Inspiring!


REAL TURTLE

[surprised, drops cans] What the--! Man, how long you been out here?


CHESHIRE DENTIST

You know, I truly admire your work. As a fellow artist, I mean.


REAL TURTLE

You can't just sneak up on someone, all ninja-like.


CHESHIRE DENTIST

Ha-ha! Terribly sorry! Though if we're making ninja comparisons, you're the one in the mask. I love what you did there with the columns, by the way.


REAL TURTLE

Yeah, well, I gotta protect my identity in public. Some folks just don't get Real Art, know'm sayn'? You're an artist too? I thought everyone at this party was just imitatin'.


CHESHIRE DENTIST

I work with teeth! I'm a dental artist, if you will, work out of Cheshire mostly, you may have seen my work? Or not...


REAL TURTLE

Ah. Right, well, I guess yeah, I mean, I'd call it more of a craft if we're bein' Real, but who am I to define what is or isn't art, y'know wha'm sayin'?


CHESHIRE DENTIST

Here, let me give you my card. Feel free to give a call if you ever want to talk art. Or, you know, if you want a smile that shines as magnificently as the moon.


REAL TURTLE

Um. Yeeeah, well, you know, I don't really got no teeth, me bein' a turtle and all...


CHESHIRE DENTIST

Nothing like a good constraint to get the ol' creative juices flowing, eh? You know what I'm sayin'?


REAL TURTLE

No. No, not really.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 9: Foyer

TITMOUSE

Ooh, it is good to get out of that cold. It's simply freezing out there. At least this foyer is heated. I wonder who is here already. Ugh, I have to get through Tweedledoo to get to the food. I don't really know why Dee and Dum have to invite him to these things. He's such a lout. My feathers are ruffled. Won't impress the ladies if I look disheveled, now will I?


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Act 2

Scene Location 2: Bathroom

TITMOUSE

Oh, hello.


TWEEDLEDOO

Hey. Are you in line for the john?


TITMOUSE

Indeed. However, it is currently occupied.


TWEEDLEDOO

Ah. Figured I go before getting a bite, you know? The cheese back there looked pretty good.


BUTTERFLY

Oh there's cheese???


TITMOUSE

Hatty's quite the gourmand. I'm the Titmouse, by the way. Always nice to see another high flyer.


BUTTERFLY

Butterfly. I used to like cheese more when I was younger but I'm trying to watch my figure now.


TITMOUSE

It is a lovely figure.


BUTTERFLY

Why thank you!

[a flushing sound]


TWEEDLEDOO

You're up next, bud.


TITMOUSE

Oh no, you go ahead.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 4: Closet

APRIL HARE

It’s simply freezing in here. I’ll just get my fur... Besides, I can’t let that Titmouse see me without my jewelry. That arrogant prick will just have to make a comment, and I simply can’t bear it. He’ll probably brag about his iPhone 6 or something.


At least the bar is in the next room. I can just get some liquid courage and then... just ignore, ignore, ignore. Be above it all, April. You can do it.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 6: Hallway

CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

[slurping sounds]

Hatta must think he's very funny, holding a cocktail party with no cocktails. [slurp] No matter, I always bring my own beverage. Would you like some? It's freshly home-brewed kopi luwak. Very good.


REAL TURTLE

Ah, no thanks. Though I have much respect for whoever pranked the aristocracy into drinking something that came out of a ferret's--


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Civet! [slurp!] OmygodareyouwhoIthinkyouare?? You ARE, aren't you?!


REAL TURTLE

Well, um, if you think I'm the--


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

You're the Actual Turtle, amirite?? [slurp]


REAL TURTLE

...the REAL Turtle, actually, a.k.a. Pranksy, a.k.a.--


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

[not missing a beat] I can't believe it's really the Actual Turtle. Just right here in the hall with me. Hold on--[frantic phone typing sound]--tweeted it! Wow, if Hatta doesn't have taste in shoes, he sure has taste in art! They're saying you're the next Leonardo, or Michelangelo, or Raphael, or Donatel--


REAL TURTLE

Really, I don't like to be compared to other, uh, artists.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Of course not! [slurp] Tell me, how much was your last piece worth?


REAL TURTLE

Um. Well, if the cards had caught me in the act it probably would've been worth my head. Wait, who are you, exactly? You don't deal with cards, do you?


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Hahaha, nooooooo, I'm just your average, highly-renowned high-end footwear fashion designer slash visionary slash below-the-knee lifestyle consultant. [impressive sluuuurp]


REAL TURTLE

You a shoemaker?


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Cordwainer. I'll give you an example of what I do, a complimentary consultation. Now, tell me about your choice of footwear, it's very interesting. I never imagined such a renowned artist would don such humble leather moccasins.


REAL TURTLE

Actually, those are my feet. I don't wear shoes. I'm a turtle.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Ohhhhh. [beat] [sluuuuurp]


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Act 3

Scene Location 3: Buffet

BOB THE GECKO

Hi! Do you like cheese?


TWEEDLEDOO

Sure do. What's good?


BOB THE GECKO

Oh we have all kinds here. If you like a bleu or something a bit on the stinkier side, they're on the right side of the buffet, and on the left we have some unpasteurized cheeses. You should avoid those if you're pregnant.


TWEEDLEDOO

Do I look like that's a problem?


BOB THE GECKO

No, but you never know!


TWEEDLEDOO

Isn't there any pepper jack or something?


BOB THE GECKO

I think Dee likes the smoked gouda, but Dum told me it tastes like butt.


TWEEDLEDOO

You know, I don't really care what they think. Just crackers are fine. Where are the drinks?


BOB THE GECKO

Other side of the bathroom. You shouldn't drink if you're pregnant either, you know!


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 4: Closet

REAL TURTLE

Whew! That guy was exhausting. I just had to leave him on the opposite side of this place. Can't stand these kind of people, who don't got a single ounce of real in 'em. I can't even remember why I accepted the invitation to come here.


[sound of door slowly opening]


Oh yeah, I think I remember now... It's an excellent opportunity to make some art. Something they can really appreciate. Why hello, walk-in wardrobe full of high-and-mighty-society coats. What will you become today? And why are there so many of you lying on the ground there? No matter. Let's just have a little privacy... [sound of door closing] And make all of them friends...


[assorted sounds of rustling coats, zipping, ripping, etc.]


And, what do you know, I made another art.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Scene Location 5: Living Room

TITMOUSE

Hatty's furniture taste may be eclectic, but is quite a lovely salon. But how can the center of the party be so deserted? Where did that delightful... vision go? She has such beautiful wings. The bathroom is right next to here, where could she have gone?


Perhaps I should find us both a drink and a quiet place to chat. Should have asked for her number. Ah well, she couldn't have gone far... ah I see her on the balcony! But she must have passed through here to get there. Perhaps I can ask her for that drink... this couch looks like a nice location for an intimate chat...


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 7: Library

APRIL HARE

I don't think I was in this room before... I thought the bar was just next to where I was. I must have gone the wrong direction...


GIBBERTALK

Hoodiewadda fiddle-faddle?


APRIL HARE

Oh shut up.


Hatty is simply insane, who puts all of these candles in a library?


[phone rings]


Hello? Who is this? Oh no, I'm afraid she's unavailable right now.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!




Scene Location 8: Balcony

BUTTERFLY

Oh goodness, how surprising! From across the way it looked like a giant face was smiling at me, but now that I'm up close, it looks like it's just the balcony that was smiling! Or perhaps somebody painted the columns to look like teeth. Either way, it's a rather clever trick, and quite beautiful. And being in the fresh air is such a wonderful feeling. [delighted chuckle] Well, I suppose this is Wonderland after all, silly! I don't even feel as chilly as I did earlier. Indeed, who can feel chilly when you're leaning on a giant smile and admiring the outdoors? Oooh, a flower! [sniff] Hmm.. [delicate licking sound] It's delicious! [she continues] Wow, these flower are so... AMAZING! [more flower licking] Oh dear, I don't know what's come over me... [om-nom-nomming]


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Act 4

Scene Location 1: Bar

BARTENDER

Welcome to the number one spot at the party. Care for a cocktail?


TWEEDLEDOO

Jack. No ice. [to himself] If I have another person ask me about my stupid brothers...


BARTENDER

Here you go.


TWEEDLEDOO

Thanks. Why do they put the drinks so far from the door?


BARTENDER

So people get to mingle.


TWEEDLEDOO

At least the bathroom is nearby.


BARTENDER

Easy access.


TWEEDLEDOO

Make the next one a double, I'm going to stay here for a spell. Is there an outlet where I can charge my phone?


BARTENDER

I can put it back here.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 2: Bathroom

REAL TURTLE

That's it. This toilet is ridiculous. Even though I flipped it upside down--and found quite a few lost cellies in the process, I might add--the sheer level of ridiculousness does not change. This whole place is ridiculous. I can't even-- the toilet paper comes in silk, leather, and fur varieties? Tea candles floating in a tea-filled hot tub? And the soap... Is that literally ivory? For real??? Well, at least I should be glad it's not turtle soap.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 6: Hallway

CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

[slurping again] Oh wow, are you the March Hare?


APRIL HARE

His sister.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Oh wow, this party has the best B-list celebrities! I have got to tell my friends about this one.


APRIL HARE

Where's the bar?


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

It's straight ahead and then all the way to the left. Want to try some of this coffee though? It's made from a civet's...


APRIL HARE

I was just in the library.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

You're doing a regular knight's tour of the joint. Your phone have GPS? I could Google map it for you.


APRIL HARE

I believe I can manage without your assistance, thank you very much.


CAFFEINATED CORDWAINER

Just offerin'... but that way's the foyer, wrong direction.


APRIL HARE

I knew that.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 8: Balcony

BUTTERFLY

Oh! You surprised me. This flower is simply delicious. Would you like some?


TITMOUSE

You didn't change.


BUTTERFLY

I did!


TITMOUSE

You didn't change places.


BUTTERFLY

[drunkenly, confessionally] I used to be a caterpillar, you know.


TITMOUSE

It's good that I didn't meet you earlier -- caterpillars are part of the Titmouse diet.


BUTTERFLY

Oh that's tragic!


TITMOUSE

You're still a delightful morsel, but in a different way now.


BUTTERFLY

Um...


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Act 5

Scene Location 1: Bar

BARTENDER

Welcome! What can I get you?


TWEEDLEDOO

Hey how's it going?


TITMOUSE

Oh. Hello again.


TWEEDLEDOO

Try the bourbon. It's delicious.


TITMOUSE

I prefer something a little more continental. Cognac if you have it.


BARTENDER

Hennessey ok?


TITMOUSE

I suppose.


TWEEDLEDOO

How'd it go with the butterfly?


TITMOUSE

I don't know what you're talking about.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 3: Buffet

BUTTERFLY

[giggling, "high" on nectar] Hiiii! I'm a butterfly! Are you a sssssalamander?


APRIL HARE

Oh god, she's high on nectar. And you, tortoise-with-the-mask. You do realize this is a cocktail party, not a masquerade ball. There is a difference, you know?


REAL TURTLE

Oh yea, right. Sorry, if my mask offends you. I guess I can be a little slow sometimes. You know, turtles. I'm just gonna look for a leaf of lettuce or somethin' to munch on now...


BOB THE GECKO

THERE'S ONLY CHEESE!


BUTTERFLY

OH, I ADORE CHEESE! But I'm still working on this flower at the moment.. [light licks].


[the sound of spray cans shaking and spraying start]


APRIL HARE

For crissakes, Bill, I thought there would be cocktails by now. Am I the only one who knows or cares that a cocktail party is supposed to serve cocktails? This event is supposed to be a centerpiece of high-society, and I'm stuck here with a barely legal butterfly who's high as a kite, an incompetent lizard with a cheese fetish, and, of all creatures, a tor.. a tortoise.. Hm. She was just here.


BUTTERFLY

I like your coat! Is that real turtle fur? [giggles]


APRIL HARE

I beg your pardon??


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!



Act 6

Scene Location 1: Bar

BARTENDER

What'll it be?


REAL TURTLE

Do you have real drinks here?


TITMOUSE

In a manner of speaking.


TWEEDLEDOO

Try the bourbon. It's delicious.


REAL TURTLE

That Butterfly's really interesting, you know? She has a certain kind of effect, if you catch my drift.


TITMOUSE

I don't know who you're talking about.


TWEEDLEDOO

Don't mind him, he struck out and now he's bitter.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 7: Library

BUTTERFLY

I just had to get as far away from the buffet as possible, it looked like April Hare was about to go mad! But what is this room? Oh, it's full of BOOKS! [knocking and crashing sound] Whoops! I should learn to control my wings when I'm excited.


GIBBERTALK

Flippy-flappy smish-smash twinkle-twankle!


BUTTERFLY

Oh, hello! Um, why yes, I am a Butterfly. And you must be... the Gibbertalk, if I'm not mistaken?


GIBBERTALK

Jibber-jabber! Dilly-dally chit-chat ping pong hooge mooge. Awful waffle?


BUTTERFLY

Oh, that's... interesting! I didn't see any waffles at the buffet, but I'm more in the mood for a drink now. I just finished my flower!


GIBBERTALK

Chumbawamba drinky-drank?


BUTTERFLY

Why that's an excellent idea! I'll pop over and see if they have any nectar at the bar...

[another knock-crash-"whoops!" sound]


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!




Scene Location 9: Foyer

APRIL HARE

I'm just going to walk out of this door before the evening can get any worse. But it's cold out there... I'll just call a taxi -- they take cards don't they? Where is my phone? Oh I left it in that ridiculous library. Maybe I can just cut through the Balcony to get there...


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Act 7

Scene Location 1: Bar

BARTENDER

What'll it be?


BUTTERFLY

Do you have any flowers?


BARTENDER

One St. Germain spritz coming up.


BUTTERFLY

April seemed really mad before.


REAL TURTLE

She's high strung.


TITMOUSE

She's a maniac. And a pathological liar. Don't believe a thing she says.


TWEEDLEDOO

What did she do to you?


TITMOUSE

We used to be married.


TWEEDLEDOO

I'll have another double.


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!


Scene Location 7: Library

APRIL HARE

Why is it so warm in here... Good lord, this books are on fire!


GIBBERTALK

Flamey burney hot hot hot!


APRIL HARE

Where's my phone? Ah here. I can just dial 9-1-1…


GIBBERTALK

Ouchie!


APRIL HARE

Dead! Where is everyone, I have to warn them!


GIBBERTALK

Drinky-winky pinky!


APRIL HARE

At the bar? I've been looking for it all night!


GIBBERTALK

It's straight ahead, past the closet. Can't miss it.


APRIL HARE

What?


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!

Act 8

Scene Location 1: Bar

REAL TURTLE

And so then I spray painted "fools" on her fur coat...


APRIL HARE

[running in] The apartment is on fire!


TITMOUSE

What on earth happened to your coat?


BARTENDER

What'll it be?


APRIL HARE

There's no time for that.


BUTTERFLY

Are rabbits always obsessed with time?


TWEEDLEDOO

Sure seems that way.


APRIL HARE

Books! Burning! Flames! Death!


TITMOUSE

Mad as a March Hare.


APRIL HARE

Stop confusing me with my brother! For god's sake, somebody phone the fire department!


MAD HATTER

CHANGE PLACES!