25th Annual Putnam County Debate Tournament

Behold the greatest scientific advance of the century: the Ion Engine! My revolutionary new process converts ordinary tap water into a negatively potentiated fluid which automatically multiplies any current passed through it by a factor of ten, a hundred, a million! Perhaps you are wondering how this can be. It is simple, so simple once you understand my insight. Of course, as you know, Einstein’s reinterpretation of Maxwell’s equations implies that materials that are bounded in time and space must be only ordinarily conductive. But I have discovered that one water molecule in every ten million is not bounded in time and space! My secret process identifies and isolates these molecules. It followed, as soon as I applied an electric potential, that I had shown the existence of water molecules that were not ordinarily conductive. Now stand back, and I will demonstrate the future of physics, nay, the future of humanity!

Diane Morganbesser says she believes in safe streets, but what does her voting record really show? Over 60% of her campaign donations come from people who knit. But last year, after a gang of dangerous knitting addicts started holding up yarn stores, where was Diane Morganbesser? She even sponsored midnight knitting for teenagers and knitting-needle exchange programs. This election day, send Diane Morganbesser a message. Tell her that Springfield families are tired of fat-cat politicians like her, who take donations from hardened yarn thieves. Diane Morganbesser: wrong for working families, wrong for Springfield.

Friends, Romans, and countrymen, lend me your ears. I come not to praise the aqueduct, but to bury it. I shall demonstrate that the construction of an aqueduct is a sure and certain cause of the plague. For when Brundisium built an aqueduct, the gods sent that most ominous of omens, a raven upon the city gate. I have read the future in every organ of the sacrificial ox, and it is doom. Is it not written in the annals that a raven upon the city gate is often followed by the most terrible plague? Let us speak no more of the aqueduct for the sake of our prosperity and Roman virtue. Moreover, Carthage must be destroyed!

Gentlemen. Perhaps you’re wondering why I’ve called this meeting. Don’t we have more vital things to be doing, like filling in our defensive perimeter, or setting up the radar array? Well, I’ll get straight to it. Gentlemen, I’m very much afraid that not all of us on Strike Team Indigo are going to make it out of here alive. The SKD are aware that we’re here. I don’t know when they’ll start the ion bombardment, but when it comes, you can bet it’ll be bad. And it gets worse. You see, I’ve also discovered that there are traitors in our midst. That’s right, some members of Strike Team Indigo aren’t loyal to the mission we all swore to see through. This became clear to me when I intercepted a coded transmission using an SKD NavSec protocol coming from… our current position. It is highly probable that we’re under surveillance even as we speak; indeed, I would not be surprised if there were SKD snipers in position around us. The only reasonable assumption, under the circumstances, is that our mission has been irrevocably compromised, and I would like to be clear on the implications. Our first priority must be our own safety. If you want to make it out alive, then the one thing you absolutely cannot afford to do is display any further signs of loyalty to the original mission. If you agree with my assessment, I would like you all to nod once, slowly, so that we’re clear on this. Good? Good.

Greetings in this blessed holiday seasons in name of our Lord and Three Wise Guys. I am widow of late minister of finance of Democratic Micronesian African Republic. I require your most urgent and confidential assistance spreading good tidings. It is imperative that you forward this letter to five investment advisers skilled in the craft of your most blessed acquaintance. (Central bankers and quantitative televangelists also most humbly recipients of good tidings but only supplementary, is necessary.) Woman in Indianapolis did not forward letter, and next day she was struck by lightning bolt. Do not think that lightning bolt can be sign of unusual grace, is never so: struck man is never to receive divine favor. For He will recognize his loyal servants in great act of repatriating sum of 167 million dollars United States with 5% commission for invaluable assistance. So divine favor will be withheld forever from all who do not forward letter to additional recipients. I wait your reply.

Hey, guys, over here! Let’s work on the Round Eight meta! Seven answers is enough for any team to solve this meta, I’m sure of it. Why are you wasting your time on that crossword? I’ve seen this happen before: a team racks up seven answers, and then gets stuck forever on a stupid crossword just like this one. Every minute we spend on it is just going to distract us. Metas win Hunts. When HQ came and visited us, they said we were only a few puzzles behind the teams in the lead. This is our chance for a big push that will unlock a whole bunch of new puzzles. And just look at the size of that grid. Look, what I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t matter how good a team is, solving that crossword would take so long that it would make cracking the meta impossible. It’s the meta or nothing. Who’s with me?

Hey, you! Yeah, you. Who else you think I’m talking to, you precious little stupid-face? You think you’re so tough? Well, there ain’t no day of the week you could take me. You could maybe squash a fly on a Sunday. What’s that? I can’t hear you, stupid-face. Come on. Don’t make me laugh. Isn’t it obvious, dummy? Anyone who’s gonna take me would be able to squash some stupid-face fly. Even a stupid-face like you with a stupid nose ought to be able to see that. That’s it, come on, let the stomping begin!

I’m telling you, baby, my love is for real.
(For real)
Nothing you say is gonna matter to me.
You’ve met someone new, it don’t change how I feel
(How I feel)
And anything you say, it’s just gonna, gonna be…
(Gonna be)
More tears in my heart.
I only cry ‘cause we’re apart.
These tears you set free
They’re raining like a symphony.
Oh why can’t you see,
They all matter to me,
These tears in my heart.

May it please the court, I represent the defendant. You’ve heard the prosecution’s argument that my client stole the motor vehicle in question and allegedly tried to cross the border with an alleged twenty kilograms of alleged cocaine. Now, your honor, I believe a little context will be useful. I would start by calling your attention to chapter 12 of the second volume of Blackstone’s Commentaries, where he explains that owling, so called because it is usually carried out at night, is the offense of transporting wool or sheep out of the kingdom of England. So you see, this is just another example of how smuggling has always been punishable as a crime. Yes, your honor? Ah, yes, I was just getting to that. If we read Blackstone’s words closely, I think they provide excellent guidance in this matter. He says, and I quote,—yes? Ah, yes, your honor, excellent question. Yes, my client, I admit, has engaged in criminal behavior from time to time, yes your honor, we accept that fact and are not trying to dispute it here. But as I was saying about the sheep… Oh, I see that I’m out of time. May I finish this issue, your honor? No? Um, well, umm, for the foregoing reasons, I respectfully request that the court find that what my client was doing on the night in question as described in the indictment was not smuggling as that particular term is defined in the law. No, sir, I mean your honor, I’m not asking you to draw any conclusions about anything else my client may or may not, and I would emphasize may not, have done, just about this one matter. Thank you.

Now this here’s a beaut. It’s a 1992 Kravit. Beautiful little gem of a car, they used to make ‘em in Bulgaria. Now, some other used car dealers might not show you a vintage Kravit like this. Well, I’ll tell you, whatever sweet talk they give you, you have to understand that used car dealers don’t have your best interests at heart. Check out those red and yellow flame designs. 100% original paintwork, I tell you. 75,000 miles, only one owner, little old lady who only took it to church and the dry cleaners. Runs like new. Go ahead, start ‘er up. Hear that thunking? That’s your classic Bulgarian workmanship. Tells you this is a genuine Kravit. Ready for a test drive? You gotta hand it to me, right? Have I convinced you that anyone who shows you a Kravit really must have your best interests at heart? C’mon, I’ve got the papers right back in my office, let’s put you in this baby today.

Now you listen to me, young lady. That plate doesn’t look empty to me. Are you going to finish your carrots or not? Do you want to be eaten by a monster? That’s right, there’s a monster that lives in your closet and comes out at night. What do you mean there’s no such thing as monsters in the closet? There are too, with big dripping metal fangs and horrible sticky tentacles. And there’s only one kind of little girl that never gets eaten by monsters: princesses. What do you mean, why not? They choke on the tiaras and the fairy dust, it makes them cough, of course. Now there’s no such thing as a princess who leaves carrots on her plate. So you see? No, I don’t know whether monsters are carnivores or omnivores. That’s not the point. The point is, every last little girl who leaves carrots on her plate gets eaten by a monster. And that means you. I guarantee it. There. Now will you eat your carrots?

Oh, that has to hurt! It looks like we’re going to be held up while the trainer comes out to look at Henderson’s knee. He’s been having a real killer of a season. And right after he was named player of the year, too. It’s been a bad year for lot of the squad, come to think of it. It seems like every time someone on the team goes deep, they’re hit with some kind of injury. And you know, the last time a Greenhorn got injured, that was T-Rex’s rotator cuff, and he was out for the rest of the season. The trainer is out now, he’s bending over Henderson, and he’s got his equipment out. Henderson’s wincing pretty bad, it looks ugly. And it looks like the trainer’s shaking his head and calling for the stretcher. Oh, it’s going to be bad. And you can really see it, the way he’s lying, that is not a natural way for a knee to bend. I’m sorry folks, it’s not looking good. You’ve gotta be philosophical about it. What it all comes down to is if you don’t take chances and go deep, sure you’re not going to have a season-ending event like this, but what kind of a way to play is that? It looks like the crowd’s on its feet for Henderson, what a salute for a real hero, as he’s carried off the field. We’ll be right back.

People of Megaville! I am your new overlord, Grand Admiral Zarathruster! Where is Astral Man, you ask? And Terra Woman? Ho! Listen and you will hear of your doom! Only a so-called “superhero” could save you from the wrath of Zarathruster. But those pathetic “superheroes,” Astral Man and Terra Woman, are mere mortals after all: behold their mutilated remains! Tremble in fear before me! It is time to bring your silly charade of resistance to an end. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! —What’s that? A reflector array! And who is that at the controls? A sniveling weakling of a human? BZZZZZZZZZT! Curse you! A puny mortal has defeated Zarathruster! Was this the point of it all, to be shamed thus? With my last breath I will activate my Death Belt and fry your pathetic city into… NOOOOOOOOOO!

Put that coffee down. Closers don’t drink coffee. I’m here from downtown, and I’m here on a mission of mercy. The bad news is, you’re fired from coffee. And the good news is, you’ve all got one week to regain a healthy lifestyle. Starting with tonight. Sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? I’m going to tell you about coffee. Were you aware that some coffee doesn’t have caffeine? E-B-C. E: Everything, B: But, C: Caffeine. That news to you? That a surprise? Are you even listening? If you were, you’d know why the two best closers you or I have ever met, Mitch and Murray, neither of them has had caffeine a day in their lives. Mitch and Murray, that’s the point I’m trying to make, and that you, my friends, are not getting. You see this? See this Starbucks cup? This grande double latte cost more than your car. You know what it takes to sell real estate? It takes the kind of get up and go you don’t get from a bunch of ground-up beans. These are the new flavored blends. And to you, they’re gold. And you don’t get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away.

Consider the class of isosceles triangles ABC, and arbitrarily designate AB and BC to be the equal sides. Let D be the midpoint of AC. Since BD equals itself, that’s two sides each of BAD and BCD. Now all isosceles triangles have two equal angles. Thus, BAD equals BCD. This makes triangles BAD and BCD congruent. Angles BDA and BDC correspond, so they’re also equal: together they make up a straight angle, so they’re both right. That makes BAD and BCD both right triangles. So, since all right triangles are isosceles, this gives us AB = AD and BC = CD. By transitivity, AD = AB = BC = CD. This establishes AD = DC, and since these equal segments are adjacent to the equal angles in triangle ABC, it follows that ABC is a right triangle. Since ABC has two equal angles, and we proved that it’s a right triangle, this establishes our conclusion. All triangles with two equal angles are right triangles. Q.E.D.

Well, I thought that this week, we really saw the first cracks starting to show in the administration’s united front on this issue. I mean, first on Monday, you had a statement from the lieutenant governor that, yes, he knew his kids were taking helicopter rides. So we’ve got expensive helicopter rides, the kind you have to pay for, and you’ve got the lieutenant governor saying on national TV that the payments weren’t always documented. It’s been obvious for weeks, but this was the first time someone on the inside is coming out and starting to admit it. And then on Wednesday, you had the budget director come right out and say that even after the audit, some of the funds in the capitol security budget still aren’t documented. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to draw this line. Isn’t it obvious that funds from the capitol security budget were used to pay for the lieutenant governor’s kids’ helicopter rides? Mark my words, we’re going to have a resignation by next week at the latest, and the only question is who it’ll be.


Barbara 50
Vladimir 15
Charlito 18
Alphonse 86
Alonzo 79
Jessie 55
Mark Bittman 39
Rin-tin-tin 31
Lodowick 31
Old Joe 14
Will.i.am 65
Chewbacca 35
Pope John XV 17
Leona 68
Jim Beam 13
Meeghan 67
William S. Bergman
William S. Bergman