O Blessed Day

si mundus hoc anno finem non habebit, tot festa celebranda erunt!

     hac die celebrantur dies natales duorum ducum qui hac die non nati sunt    hac die simiæ honorantur et ab aliquibus in hortibus zoologicis visitantur    hac die opificibus honoratis vestimenta alba geri desinunt    hac die propter lusciniæ diem natalem nosocomæ ubique honorantur
   hæc dies sæpe non exstat    hac die potentissimus hominum aliquid fortissime sed læte, non irate, iacit    die post hanc diem vir solus ac inermis stetit, agmen vehiculorum militarium obstruens    hac die personati mittuntur liberi ut dulcia in viis petant    hac die focalia permulta donis dantur    hac die magistri donula a discipulis suis accipiunt    hac die crustis dulcibus rotundis consumptis mensuratio commemoratur
   hac die omina hiemalia umbra accipiuntur    hac die illa res in qua etiam nunc, dilectissimi lectores lectricesque dilectissimæ, occupati estis incipit    hac die spoponderunt aliqui vitas, fortunas, honoremque sacrum suos    hac die interfectus est vir præclarus inter eos quorum lingua hæc sententia scripta est    hac die filiolæ ad officinas parentium suorum adducuntur    hac die loquuntur homines inter se miro modo, arrte haud historiæ fideli, tamquam prædones    hac die nihil ab aliquibus, qui societatem suam nimis avidam pecuniæ esse opinant, emitur
   hac die Judæi pluviam et rorem, non tantum benedictionem, precibus suis cotidianis orare incipiunt    hac die constitutio sive suprema lex huius nationis subscripta est    hac die iuxta asserem robur post cenam monstratur    hac die laganum (id est species pastae in laminis cum caseo) celebratur, scilicet coquendo    hac die computatur ac disputatur quid sit numerus hominum in mundo viventium    hac die ipsissima alma terra commemoratur    hac die flumen apud urbem magnam viridi tingitur
   hac die audierunt novissimi servi huius patriæ se iam liberatos esse    hac die vagantur cives Hiberniæ more personæ ex libro quodam dilectissimo    hac die de illis qui choream patiuntur et de morbo eorum cogitandum est    hac die inventio quædam huius continentis, aut illi populi qui iam aderant, commemoratur
  • A bishop in Germany, I was just minden’ my own business until I was killed in battle.
  • A presidential assassin shares my name.
  • Breton sources say I may have been the daughter of King Brychan of Wales; folks in my adoptive Brittany know me as Sainte Candide.
  • Cause you know you can’t touch this, you can’t touch this ... doctrine of the Trinity!
  • Even as a victim of vandalism, I constantly prayed for the vandals.
  • Even though I’m dead, I’m still the King of Norway.
  • I blinded myself to discourage a king’s interest, and then helped heal other blind people.
  • I got called back to try to live up to the example of my two illustrious predecessors, living vicariously.
  • I got extremely well educated in Constantinople (not Istanbul); after that ... well, I could tell you a Canterbury tale or two.
  • I got the credit for inventing one of the world’s great musical traditions.
  • I have the patronage of social workers.
  • I made my island a less frightening place for Indiana Jones.
  • I told Galileo he’d better stop teaching that the Earth goes around the Sun.
  • I told Emperor Maurice he was in deep trouble—correctly, as it turned out. Then I saved Emperor Phocas’s nephew.
  • I used incendiary doves as a weapon.
  • I used to live at Cnobheresburg; how many of you can say that?
  • I was extremely keen on giving charity; history does not record whether I also enjoyed waltzing.
  • I’m the Old Man of the Sea’s namesake; I was martyred together with a fellow Roman.
  • My experiences ran the whole gamut, but it was particularly sad about what happened to my brand-new cathedral...
  • My husband was a farmer, yet I was the queen.
  • My seven sons and I all suffered terrible fates, yet I was happy.
  • Not just any deacon, I was a hierodeacon! My monastery’s namesake has patronage of eyesight, and I used to go evangelizing with my friend Wiro.
  • Schisms made me sick. I helped mediate a compromise in Caspe.
  • Some Arians beat me up; that did me in. Now my most famous relic is in Belgium, where I was the first bishop of my town.
  • Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—I went off in search of Wales.
  • Three hundred eighty-eighty years after I died, they found my bones in the town where I succeeded Bishop Acca. Better late than never!
  • Watching my father kill a man was deeply distressing. I helped the Doge dodge his duties and pay homage in Catalonia. And I told the Emperor I wouldn’t serve on his staff anymore.
  • You might think, from the sound of it, those travelers are praying for bad weather, but they’re actually just invoking my patronage. I did wander pretty far in my day, and I made it back to Pisa in one piece!
  • You’ll see me in one of Prague’s main tourist attractions. The guy who canonized me cut ten days out of the year he did it.