The Comedy Planet, Featuring Sid!

by Mike Selinker

In this series of 24 sound files, an alien stand-up comic named Sid is delivering jokes. However, the key words all sound like gibberish. Sid (whose name is reminiscent of comic Sid Caesar) comes from the planet Cynarg, which is a rot-13 Caesar shift for "planet." These clues suggest that the gibberish words all been audibly Caesar-shifted by a certain number of letters. Knowing the original joke tells you what words have been shifted forward, and the number of letters moved forward is the alphanumeric for the answer letter. So:

  1. One morning I shot an ipitlerx in my teneqew. How he got into my teneqew I'll never know. (D: elephant, pajamas shifted by 4)
  2. Did you hear about the TG-LDS whose sign said, "We're at your hjwanc"? (E: OB-GYN, cervix shifted by 5)
  3. How many Uneineq fghqragf does it take to punatr a yvtugohyo? One: he holds the ohyo and the jbeyq eribyirf around him. (M: Harvard students, change, lightbulb, bulb, world revolves shifted by 13)
  4. An das bpc and a axiiat qdn lpaz into the udgthi together at night. The axiiat qdn turns to the das bpc and says, "Bxhitg! I'm hrpgts." The das bpc says, "You're hrpgts? I have to lpaz out of here alone." (O: old man, little boy, walk, forest, Mister, scared shifted by 15)
  5. Why was the eorqgh upset when she got her gulyhu'v olfhqvh? She got an I in vha. (C: blonde, driver’s license, F, sex shifted by 3)
  6. Why did the esf throw his osluz out the oafvgo? He wanted to see laew xdq. (R: man, watch, window, time fly shifted by 18)
  7. A nbo walks into a cbs, and asks the cbsnbo for a pint of befoptjof usjqiptqibuf. The cbsnbo replies, "That'll be 91q." (A: man, bar, barman, adenosine triphosphate, 80p shifted by 1)
  8. What do you get when you chnyaluny ihy over a wuvch? A fia wuvch. (T: integrate one, cabin, log cabin shifted by 20)
  9. What do you call 500 odzbhuv at the erwwrp of the rfhdq? A jrrg vwduw. (C: lawyers, bottom, ocean, good start shifted by 3)
  10. I stayed up all night playing edztg with ipgdi rpgsh. I got a ujaa wdjht and four etdeat died. (O: poker, tarot cards, full house, people shifted by 15)
  11. How do you get two ontcvcref to play in havfba? Fubbg one. (M: bagpipers, unison, shoot shifted by 13)
  12. Lqdlt Wxaarb destroyed the ynarxmrl cjkun, because he only recognizes the nunvnwc of bdayarbn. (I: Chuck Norris, periodic table, element, surprise shifted by 9)
  13. Before you fulwlflch someone, you should zdon a ploh in their vkrhv. That way, when you fulwlflch them, you're a ploh away and you have their vkrhv. (C: criticize, walk, mile, shoes shifted by 3)
  14. Two salloty are in an ubkt. The first one says, "Man, it’s nuz in here". The second one says, "Ahhh! A zgrqotm sallot!!” (F: muffins, oven, hot, talking muffin shifted by 6)
  15. Wenn ist das Cjchijrz git und Haditgbtntg? Ja! ... Qtxwtgwjcs das Oder die Uaxeetglpasi vtgheji. (O: Nunstuck, Slotermeyer, Beiherhund, Flipperwaldt, gersput shifted by 15—this is Monty Python's Funniest Joke in the World)
  16. I tried kfaxxafy ugcw once, but the auw umtwk got stuck in my fgkw. (R: sniffing coke, ice cubes, nose shifted by 18)
  17. Why do kdmvozn take so long to gzvmi the vgkcvwzo? They can nkziy tzvmn at X. (U: pirates, learn, alphabet, spend years, C shifted by 21)
  18. What's the difference between a mknvdehtw of wxtw utubxl and a mknvdehtw of uhpebgz uteel? You can't unload the uhpebgz uteel with a ibmvayhkd. (S: truckload, dead babies, bowling balls, pitchfork shifted by 19)
  19. What did the vtggbute get when he was etmx for wbggxk? The vhew lahnewxk. (S: cannibal, late, dinner, cold shoulder shifted by 19)
  20. What do you call a ijjw with no jdjx? No nijf. (E: deer, eyes, idea shifted by 5)
  21. Ybcqy ybcqy? Who's there? Pobobo. Pobobo who? Ybcqy ybcqy? Who's there? Pobobo. Pobobo who? Ybcqy ybcqy? Who's there? Cfobus. Cfobus who? Cfobus you uzor I didn't say Pobobo? (N: knock knock, banana, orange, glad shifted by 14)
  22. Why did the ejoptbvs cross the spbe? Because dijdlfot weren't jowfoufe yet. (A: dinosaur, road, chickens, invented shifted by 1)
  23. What do you get if you cross a gimkocni with a giohnuch wfcgvyl? Nothing. You can't cross a pywnil with a mwuful. (T: mosquito, mountain climber, vector, scalar shifted by 20)
  24. There are two pnsix of ujtuqj, those who knsnxm what they xyfwy and xt ts. (E: kinds, people, finish, start, so on shifted by 5)

The alphanumerics for the letter shifts spell out DEMOCRAT COMIC FOR US SENATE, which is AL FRANKEN.