Gather around, for we have been graced by a juggling troupe renowned throughout the universe, here to demonstate their fabulous routines. What could possibly go wrong?

Jugglers stand in the following order, proceeding clockwise: Teddy, Amelia, Sasha, Enrique, and Oscar. Each juggler has a rating. At the beginning of the first routine, these ratings are 1 stars, 2 stars, 3 stars, 4 stars, and 5 stars, respectively. Although the jugglers' ratings will change at the end of each routine, their placement will not—they’ll continue to stand in the same positions. Each juggler also has five hands, each of which can hold one object at a time. These hands are each at a different height, and their respective levels are numbered from 1 (the highest hand) to 5 (the lowest hand). Note that lower hands have higher numbers! Hand numbers do not change.

The name and attributes of an object are given when the object is first picked up; names of objects do not change. "Shifting" an object means to move it from one hand to a higher or lower hand; a juggler can do this without disturbing objects between the source and destination hands. "Grabbing" an object means to take an object from another juggler to the immediate left or right. That object stays at the same level and can only be grabbed by an open hand. “Handing” an object means to give an object to another juggler to the immediate left or right. That object stays at the same level and can only be given to an open hand.

When a juggler throws an object, he chooses a target juggler and throws the object toward that juggler. If the juggler throws "wide left," the target juggler is two positions to the thrower's left (clockwise). If the juggler throws "sharp left," the target juggler is one position to the thrower's left. Throwing "wide right" and "sharp right" are defined analogously.

Objects thrown land exactly 2.5 parsecs after they are thrown. (Note: In certain parts of the universe, parsecs measure time, not length. Just ask Han Solo.) All other actions (including shifting, handing, and grabbing) are instantaneous unless otherwise noted. If undisturbed, the object will land in the hand of the target juggler which has the same number as the hand from which the object was thrown (i.e. the hand at the same height). However, the object's landing site may change due to weight and/or bias.

Weight

Each object has a given numeric weight; the higher the weight, the heavier the object.

Any object with a weight of 4 or less is considered LIGHT. A light object rises one level when it is thrown, so it will land in a hand one level higher (i.e. numbered one less) than the hand from which it was thrown. If the throwing hand is the topmost (1st) hand, the object remains at the same level.

Any object with a weight of 8 or greater is considered HEAVY. A heavy object sinks one level when it is thrown, so it will land in a hand one level lower (i.e. numbered one greater) than the hand from which it was thrown. If the throwing hand is the bottommost (5th) hand, the object remains at the same level.

Bias

Certain objects are either attracted to or averse to certain other objects, which will cause them to change direction in midair.

If an object which is Averse to Object X is thrown to a juggler who is immediately next to a juggler holding Object X, the object's target will change by one position in the opposite direction (making it two jugglers away from Object X instead of one). If the object is thrown toward a juggler holding Object X, there is no effect.

If an object which is Attracted to Object X is thrown to a juggler who is immediately next to a juggler holding Object X, the object's target will change to the juggler holding Object X.

Target change due to bias is determined at the moment an object is thrown, not the moment it lands. These effects do not stack (that is, bias cannot cause the target to change by two positions), and if the juggling is done properly, aversion and attraction will never contradict each other.

Note that weight and bias only apply to throwing, and not to any other form of object transfer.

Occupied Target Hand

If the hand in which a thrown object is supposed to land is occupied, the target juggler will instinctively clear that hand. He does this by shifting the object in that hand to a position one level lower; if the lower hand is occupied, the object in that hand is shifted one level lower (numbered one higher); and so on until an object is shifted to an empty hand. If this is not possible (i.e. if all the lower hands are occupied), objects are shifted upward in the same manner. This shifting happens instantaneously.

Throwing Example

Sasha is holding the Fire Amulet (Weight 2, Averse to Fire Extinguisher) in his 4th hand. He throws it wide right, to Teddy, but Oscar is holding the Fire Extinguisher, so instead it swerves toward Amelia. Amelia is holding objects in her 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th hands; the Fire Amulet lands in Amelia's 3rd hand, since it is Light. It is impossible to shift objects downward to clear the 3rd hand, so instead the object in Amelia's 2nd hand moves to her 1st hand, the object in her 3rd hand moves to her 2nd hand, and the Fire Amulet lands in her 3rd hand.

Note that rules of weight, bias, and shifting only apply to throwing, not to passing, grabbing, or any other action that involves objects moving.

Routines

The jugglers begin with the Hack 'n Slash 'n Catch routine. Each juggler has their own list of instructions, with times given in standard megaparsec-parsec notation. Thus, one parsec after the routine begins, every juggler with a "0:01" instruction follows it simultaneously. One parsec later, the "0:02" instructions are followed, and so on. Remember that thrown objects land exactly 2.5 parsecs after they are thrown.

At the end of each routine, an eight-letter word or phrase can be spelled out that suggests which routine should be performed next, using the instructions below. The "letter corresponding to" a number N is the Nth letter of the alphabet.

• 1. The letter corresponding to the position number of the duck. The position number is determined by each juggler’s rating and hand. The 1-star juggler’s hands have position numbers 1-5, corresponding to his hand numbers. The 2-star juggler’s hands have position numbers 6-10, and so on.
• 2. The letter corresponding to the product of [the rating of the juggler holding the object in play that comes first alphabetically] and [the number of the hand holding that object]. The juggler just mentioned is the 1-star juggler in the next round.
• 3. The Nth letter of the name of the first juggler who threw a light object in this round, where N is the number of different jugglers who have been the 2-star juggler so far. This juggler is the 2-star juggler in the next round.
• 4. The last letter of the last object thrown in this round.
• 5. The letter corresponding to the position number of the heaviest object in play. The juggler holding this object is the 3-star juggler in the next round.
• 6. The penultimate letter of the name of the object held by the 3-star juggler which is in the topmost (lowest-numbered) hand; unless that object is living, in which case use the letter A instead.
• 7. The Nth letter of the name of the juggler holding the most objects (if there is a tie, choose the name that comes alphabetically last among the tied players) where N is the number of jugglers currently holding living objects. This juggler is the 4-star juggler in the next round.
• 8. The letter corresponding to the number of objects in play.
• The juggler unassigned a number so far is the 5-star juggler in the next round.

The jugglers then begin, with their new ratings, at the beginning of the suggested routine. The objects that were in their hands at the end of the last routine remain there; these jugglers pride themselves on their smooth segues. (NOTE: The routines are not given in the correct order below! The end-of-routine answer determines which routine to continue with.)

Special Instructions

• If an alarm goes off while the Giant Clam is in play, the Giant Pearl (Weight 8, see instruction below) emerges, landing in the 1st hand of the juggler who is holding the Giant Clam exactly 0.25 parsecs later. If necessary, other objects shift to accommodate the Giant Pearl, just as if a thrown object landed in the 1st hand.
• If there is a shrill, high-pitched noise while the Giant Pearl is in play, the Giant Pearl shatters (and is removed from play) and the Slightly-Smaller-Than-Giant Pearl (Weight 7) emerges, landing in the 1st hand of the juggler who was holding the Giant Pearl exactly 0.25 parsecs later. If necessary, other objects shift to accommodate the Slightly-Smaller-Than-Giant Pearl, just as if a thrown object landed in the 1st hand.
• If at any time Cthulhu is thrown, grabbed, handed, or shifted, interrupt the current routine and proceed immediately to the instructions for The Apocalypse.

Cards

The following cards may be useful in keeping track of your inventory. Any arm deficiencies are your own problem.

Cards (PDF)

Having trouble remembering which star rating you're currently assigned? Try these handy labels.

Star Labels (PDF)

HACK 'N SLASH 'N CATCH (First Routine)

1-Star Juggler

• 0:05 - Now that you have an object, shift it to the level at which two other jugglers are holding objects.
• 0:08 - Cry like a little baby.
• 0:13 - Hold the lightest object you are holding just a little bit tighter.
• 0:15 - If someone just suggested that you shift an object, do so.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - Pick up the Duck (Living, Weight 5, Averse to Antiduck) in your 1st hand.
• 0:04 - The Duck is quacking about its acrophobia, so shift it down one level.
• 0:06 - Throw the heaviest object you are holding sharp left, and throw the other object you are holding toward whomever seems to want it the most.
• 0:14 - Now the Duck is complaining about its catapedaphobia. Suggest to the juggler holding it that they should shift it one level higher.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Crossbow +1 Against Goslings (Weight 7) in your 2nd hand.
• 0:02 - Shift the only object you are holding one hand lower, and then throw it wide right.
• 0:03 - Reluctantly pick up Cthulhu (Living, Weight 9, see Special Instructions) in your 2nd hand.
• 0:09 - Shift an object down one level to an empty hand, and then throw that object sharp left.
• 0:11 - If you are holding an object at a level at which no one else is holding an object, throw it wide left. If not, just continue listening to the voices.
• 0:15 - If someone just suggested that you shift an object, do so.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:04 - Look at the lightest object currently in midair. You desire it. You long for it. You declare your intentions.
• 0:10 - Shift the heaviest object you are holding down one level.
• 0:15 - If someone just suggested that you shift an object, shift a different object down one level and snidely suggest that they call the SPCA.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Fire Amulet (Weight 2, Averse to Fire Extinguisher) in your 4th hand.
• 0:02 - Shift the only object you are holding one hand higher, and then throw it wide left.
• 0:07 - Feeling left out, grab an object from one of the jugglers standing next to you.
• 0:08 - Attempt to hide your stolen property by shifting it down one level.
• 0:09 - Feeling guilty, throw the object you stole back toward the juggler you stole it from.
• 0:12 - Grab the highest object being held by the other juggler standing next to you, but this time, in a shocking display of remorse, immediately throw it back toward them. Wonder whether your therapist was right.
• 0:15 - If someone just suggested that you shift an object, do so.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

THREW ZOO REVUE

1-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Shift the topmost object you are holding into your bottommost hand, and then pick up the Mouse (Living, Weight 2, Attracted to Cheesesteak, Averse to Mousetrap) in your newly free hand.
• 0:03 - Throw the object in your 5th hand wide left, before one of your other objects tries to have it for dinner.
• 0:04 - You've said it before and you'll say it again, you don't believe in cruelty to animals. Hand the object you were given two parsecs ago back to the juggler that handed it to you.
• 0:05 - Pick up the Antiduck (Living, Weight 5, Averse to Duck) in your 4th hand.
• 0:07 - Clearly some people can't be trusted with nice things. Shift the object in your 2nd hand to your 5th hand and grab the object that caused all that noise. And throw the heaviest living object you're holding wide right.
• 0:11 - Twiddle your thumbs. Yes, you can do that while juggling.
• 0:14 - Get ready for your big solo...
• 0:15 - Shift the object in your 5th hand up two levels, shifting a weapon and a sandwich down one level to compensate. Then go "Ta-daaa!"
• 0:16 - Roll your eyes in disgust at the 3-star juggler.
• 0:17 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - You just remembered it's your birthday! Shift the lightest object you are holding to your 2nd hand, and use your newly free hand to grab an appropriate object.
• 0:05 - If there's one thing that ruins a birthday party, it's unwanted guests. Throw the living object you are holding wide right, and concentrate on all the candles that will be on your cake.
• 0:06 - Smell something burning and realize your candle fantasies have activated the Fire Amulet. It sets off a loud smoke alarm, and you shake it until it goes out.
• 0:08 - Hey, people shouldn't take things from you, it's your birthday! Use the hand that was just stolen from to grab an object (not the object that was stolen, you've moved on) from a juggler next to you.
• 0:09 - Feeling slightly guilty, hand your only object which is neither light nor heavy to the juggler you just grabbed something from.
• 0:13 - This has been the best birthday ever! You have some food, something to grow food, an otherworldly pet, a balloon, and some kind of round thing. Actually, that last one seems pretty worthless. Throw it sharp right.
• 0:14 - Get ready for your big solo...
• 0:15 - Switch the positions of the two light objects you are holding in adjacent hands. Then go "Ta-daaa!"
• 0:16 - Roll your eyes in disgust at the 3-star juggler.
• 0:17 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:04 - You have got to get rid of this thing in your 5th hand. Throw it wide right, and then grab a heavy living object from a juggler next to you.
• 0:06 - Throw an object sharp left. Not the heaviest one, not the lightest one, but the other one.
• 0:08 - Switch the positions of the objects in your 3rd and 4th hands. No, they don't look good that way either. Of these two objects, throw the living one sharp right and hand the other one to the juggler on your left.
• 0:09 - Pick up the Seventeen-Ton Elephant (Living, Weight 17, Attracted to Peanut Butter & Jelly on Rye, Averse To Mouse) in your 3rd hand. Immediately regretting it, throw it wide right.
• 0:11 - Throw the light object in your 1st hand sharp right.
• 0:12 - Throw the object in your 4th hand wide right. Try not to hurt yourself.
• 0:14 - Get ready for your big solo...
• 0:15 - Switch the positions of the two heavy objects you are holding in adjacent hands.
• 0:16 - Switch the positions of the objects in your 1st and 2nd hands and go "Ta-da!!!"
• 0:17 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - Hand the weapon in your 4th hand to the juggler on your right.
• 0:04 - The master desires strength, not pansy-assness. Throw the lightest object you are holding wide left, and grab a more suitable object from one of the jugglers next to you.
• 0:05 - Switch the positions of the lightest two objects you are holding, and then hand the heavier one to the juggler on your left.
• 0:07 - If one of your objects has more letters in its name than all your other objects combined (not counting objects with hyphenated names), throw it sharp right. Otherwise, do nothing.
• 0:09 - The master has changed his mind about dinner... for now. Throw the object in your 3rd hand wide left.
• 0:10 - For no particular reason, decide to move the object in your 1st hand to your 4th hand. Wonder why everyone else breathes a sigh of relief.
• 0:14 - Get ready for your big solo...
• 0:15 - Switch the positions of the objects in your 1st and 3rd hands, and then switch the positions of the lightest living object you're holding and the heaviest non-living object you're holding. Then go "Ta-daaa!"
• 0:16 - Roll your eyes in disgust at the 3-star juggler.
• 0:17 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Gosling (Living, Weight 5, Averse to Crossbow +1 Against Goslings) in your 1st hand.
• 0:03 - The last object you picked up is revoltingly cute. Throw it sharp right, and then shift an object up one level into your newly empty hand.
• 0:06 - Wha— You again?! Shift the heavier object you just caught to your 5th hand, shifting all other objects one level up to compensate.
• 0:08 - Despite recent efforts, your 1st hand again contains a bird. Throw it sharp right.
• 0:11 - Throw the heavy object in your 1st hand sharp left.
• 0:12 - Oh, you are so not keeping this thing you just caught. Switch the objects in your 3rd and 4th hands, and then hand the aforementioned object to the juggler on your left.
• 0:14 - Get ready for your big solo...
• 0:15 - Switch the positions of the objects in your 1st and 2nd hands, and also the objects in your 3rd and 4th hands. Then go "Ta-daaa!"
• 0:16 - Roll your eyes in disgust at the 3-star juggler.
• 0:17 - END OF ROUTINE

HIGHLAND FLING

1-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Say, "It's a great day for America, and I'll tell you why..."
• 0:04 - Throw the lightest object you are holding sharp left.
• 0:06 - You seem to have ignited some sort of throwing war with one of the jugglers next to you. As a peace offering, hand that juggler an edible object you are holding.
• 0:08 - Concerned for the safety of an animal, whimper like a little baby.
• 0:10 - To show off your brute strength, shift the object you most recently received up two levels.
• 0:12 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Say, "It's a great day for America, and I'll tell you why..."
• 0:02 - Promising yourself this is the last time, grab an object, which is neither a bird nor designed to dispatch birds, from one of the two jugglers next to you. Then throw that object toward a juggler who is not holding any objects.
• 0:04 - Pick up the Cheeky Wee Monkey (Living, Weight 5, Attracted to Banana Tree) in your 3rd hand.
• 0:08 - Concerned for the safety of an animal, shift your heaviest object down one level and hand it to the juggler holding that animal.
• 0:12 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Say, "It's a great day for America, and I'll tell you why..."
• 0:02 - Pick up the Haggis (Weight 4) in your 4th hand.
• 0:03 - Trying not to vomit, throw the Haggis toward a juggler holding a non-living object.
• 0:06 - The voices tell you there's only room in your hands for one water-dwelling creature. Hand the lighter one to the juggler that last possessed it.
• 0:07 - Thinking the master might want it, grab a magical non-living object from one of the jugglers next to you with your 1st hand.
• 0:08 - The master disapproves. Shift the object you just grabbed down three levels, and then throw it back to the juggler from whom it came.
• 0:12 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Say, "It's a great day for America, and I'll tell you why..."
• 0:04 - Filled with rage, squeeze the only object you are holding a little too tightly, causing it to fly away and immediately land in the topmost hand of another juggler holding a living object that they did not pick up during this routine.
• 0:05 - Pick up the Giant Clam (Living, Weight 10, see Special Instructions) with your 3rd hand.
• 0:07 - Feeling like you don't have enough objects, aggressively grasp the neck of one of your objects and demand more stuff.
• 0:09 - What are you supposed to be, a bloody animal shelter?
• 0:12 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Say, "It's a great day for America, and I'll tell you why..."
• 0:03 - Pick up the Caber (Weight 8) in your 1st hand.
• 0:05 - Seeing an object flying in your direction, throw the heavy object you are holding toward the juggler who threw that object at you.
• 0:06 - Pick up the Ming Vase (Weight 8) in your 2nd hand.
• 0:09 - Reorder the objects you are holding from lightest on top to heaviest on the bottom, keeping the same three hands occupied.
• 0:11 - Great, you're already out of order again. Shift one object into your topmost hand so that your objects are again sorted from lightest to heaviest.
• 0:12 - END OF ROUTINE

SLAPSTICK STUFFSLING

1-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - Shift one of your non-living objects up one level and the other down one level, both to hands that are currently empty.
• 0:03 - You should probably participate in the juggling, but you don't want to exert yourself. Throw the lightest object you are holding wide left.
• 0:05 - You don't appreciate being imitated. Pick up the Sixteen-Ton Weight (Weight 16) in your 4th hand, and immediately throw it toward the juggler that was aping you.
• 0:07 - Throw the heaviest object you are holding wide right.
• 0:11 - Awkwardly wait around for the other tree to drop. [rimshot]
• 0:13 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:03 - Shift the bottommost object you're holding down one level and hand it to the juggler on your right.
• 0:05 - In anticipation of the object you're about to catch, throw a similar object wide right.
• 0:07 - You miss having pets. If it is possible to grab a living object you have not already held during this routine, do so. Otherwise, do nothing.
• 0:10 - Switch the positions of the two objects you are holding with two-word names. Nah, that doesn't look good either. Throw the heavier one wide right, and return the other one to the hand you switched it from.
• 0:11 - Awkwardly wait around for the other tree to drop. [rimshot]
• 0:13 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Balloon (Weight 1) in your 5th hand.
• 0:02 - Of the objects you are holding, throw the one that comes first alphabetically sharp left.
• 0:04 - The object in your 3rd hand is not getting nearly as involved as you'd expect. Throw it wide right.
• 0:06 - You sense your balancing act is coming to an end. Throw the object you've been using to show off wide right.
• 0:08 - Shift one of the two living objects you are holding up two levels to an empty hand, and throw the other wide right.
• 0:09 - Lest you discriminate against the inanimate, shift your two non-living objects to your two currently empty hands, with the lighter object on top.
• 0:11 - Awkwardly wait around for the other tree to drop. [rimshot]
• 0:13 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Chainsaw (Weight 6) in your only empty hand.
• 0:02 - You feel a compulsion to steal, but your hands are a little full. Switch the positions of the two objects you are holding that start with the same two letters, and then hand the heavier one to the juggler on your left.
• 0:04 - Your therapist says people will like you more if you try to fit in. Follow the same direction that was last followed by the juggler on your right.
• 0:06 - Better brace yourself for impact. Shift every object you are holding up one level, throw the lightest one sharp left, and hand the second-lightest to the juggler on your right.
• 0:07 - Throw the heaviest object you are holding sharp right.
• 0:11 - Awkwardly wait around for the other tree to drop. [rimshot]
• 0:13 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Fire Extinguisher (Weight 6) in your 4th hand.
• 0:03 - You finally see something grotesque enough to satisfy the master. Grab it from one of the jugglers next to you with your topmost empty hand.
• 0:05 - Pick up the Mousetrap (Weight 2) in your 5th hand.
• 0:07 - Switch the positions of the two lightest objects you are holding, and then shift another object up one level into an empty hand.
• 0:08 - The master thirsts for blood. While you can't grab a living object, you can grab an object being held by a juggler holding a living object, which is the next best thing. So do that.
• 0:11 - Awkwardly wait around for the other tree to drop. [rimshot]
• 0:13 - END OF ROUTINE

SEUSSACULAR SPECTACULAR

1-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up Thing 1 (Living, Weight 5, Attracted to Thing 2) in your topmost empty hand.
• 0:02 - Throw the heaviest object you are holding wide left.
• 0:03 - The object in your 1st hand is already starting to get seriously annoying. Hand it to the juggler on your right.
• 0:06 - The object in your bottommost hand is eyeing another of your objects hungrily. Throw the latter sharp right.
• 0:08 - Throw the object in your 2nd hand wide left. You don't take handouts, thank you very much.
• 0:09 - Throw the heaviest object you are holding wide left.
• 0:11 - A rip opens in the space-time continuum. Stare in amazement at the object that was thrown two parsecs ago and is now frozen in midair.
• 0:12 - The rip closes itself up. The show must go on!
• 0:13 - Throw the lightest object you are holding sharp left, and use your newly free hand to pick up the Plate of Green Eggs & Ham (Weight 3).
• 0:15 - Throw the object in your 4th hand wide right. In doing so, accidentally trigger the object in your 5th hand, which cuts off the 5th hand of the juggler on your right.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Throw the second-heaviest object you are holding (the one positioned between two light objects) wide left.
• 0:03 - You are not at all thrilled about the object you were just given. Lighten your load a little bit by throwing the object in your 2nd hand sharp left.
• 0:05 - You feel charitable toward the juggler on your right, who was just robbed. Hand him the expensive object in your 2nd hand.
• 0:09 - Notice the 3-star juggler has a strange look on his face. Have a bad feeling about it.
• 0:11 - A rip opens in the space-time continuum, and you are violently sucked into the void. You unleash a shrill, high-pitched scream as you and the objects you are holding disappear, never to be seen again.
• 0:12 - Die of asphyxiation.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - Two of the objects you are holding are the same weight. Both seem pretty valuable, but throw the one with more letters in its name wide left.
• 0:03 - Hand the heaviest object you're holding to the juggler on your left, and throw the second-heaviest wide right.
• 0:04 - Your compulsions are wavering erratically between generosity and kleptomania. Throw the only heavy object you are holding sharp left, but then grab two non-heavy objects from your target.
• 0:07 - Switch the positions of the objects in your 1st and 2nd hand, and then begin eying the object in your 5th hand with curiosity.
• 0:08 - Touch the object in your 5th hand to the object in your 4th hand. Nothing appears to happen, although unbeknownst to you the latter object permanently loses its aversion trait. Frustrated, you throw that object sharp left.
• 0:09 - Stare at an object held by the juggler on your right.
• 0:10 - Touch the object in your 4th hand to the object in the bottommost hand of the juggler on your right.
• 0:11 - A rip opens in the space-time continuum. Stare in amazement at the object that was thrown two parsecs ago and is now frozen in midair.
• 0:12 - The rip closes itself up. The show must go on!
• 0:14 - Throw the edible object in your 3rd hand wide right, and then pick up the Cat in the Hat (Living, Weight 5, Attracted to Mouse).
• 0:15 - Owwwwwww!
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Throw the lightest living object you are holding wide left.
• 0:02 - Hand the heaviest object you are holding to the juggler on your right, and then pick up Thing 2 (Living, Weight 5, Attracted to Thing 1) in your newly free hand.
• 0:04 - The master is muttering something about preparing for the end. He compels you to throw the object in your 5th hand wide right.
• 0:05 - Switch the positions of two objects you are holding that have the same weight. Then switch the positions of two other objects you are holding that have the same weight. Hand the one with a three-word name to the juggler on your left.
• 0:07 - You sure do have a lot of heavy objects. Throw the heaviest one wide left.
• 0:08 - Hand the only non-heavy object you are holding to the juggler on your left.
• 0:11 - A rip opens in the space-time continuum. Stare in amazement at the object that was thrown two parsecs ago and is now frozen in midair.
• 0:12 - The rip closes itself up. The show must go on!
• 0:15 - Switch the positions of the living objects in your 4th and 5th hands.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Ouch! The object in your 2nd hand goes off and gives you a serious pinch. Get rid of it by throwing it wide left.
• 0:04 - Your new waterfowl seems like an improvement. Throw the old one wide left.
• 0:06 - One of the objects you're holding has multiple words in its name, all of which start with musical notes. Throw that object wide left.
• 0:07 - Shift an animal without feathers down one level and then throw it sharp right.
• 0:11 - A rip opens in the space-time continuum. Stare in amazement at the object that was thrown two parsecs ago and is now frozen in midair.
• 0:12 - The rip closes itself up. The show must go on!
• 0:13 - You are holding three objects of the same weight. Throw the topmost one wide left, then use your free hand to pick up the Plate of Green Eggs & Ham (Weight 3).
• 0:14 - Throw the topmost edible object you are holding wide right.
• 0:16 - END OF ROUTINE

DELICATOSSIN'

1-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - The object you're holding is getting heavy; your grunting resembles a mating call, and a living object at the same level as your heavy object flies into your 3rd hand.
• 0:03 - Lunchtime! Pick up the Peanut Butter & Jelly on Rye (Weight 3, Attracted to Flash Gordon Lunchbox) in your 4th hand.
• 0:08 - Noticing a large shellfish heading straight toward one of your objects, throw the object wide left so it doesn't get squished.
• 0:10 - Well, you didn't end up with a sandwich, but you're still balancing that giant piece of wood pretty effectively. Good for you.
• 0:11 - END OF ROUTINE

2-Star Juggler

• 0:02 - Pick up the Flash Gordon Lunchbox (Weight 5, Averse to Ming Vase) in your 3rd hand.
• 0:03 - Lunchtime! Pick up the Cheesesteak (Weight 3, Attracted to Flash Gordon Lunchbox) in your 2nd hand.
• 0:05 - Hey, this sandwich doesn't even fit in this lunchbox! Hurt and confused, throw the latter wide right.
• 0:10 - The object one level above your sandwich toasts it nicely. Too bad you have no time to eat.
• 0:11 - END OF ROUTINE

3-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Pick up the Banana Tree (Living, Weight 8) in your bottommost empty hand.
• 0:03 - Lunchtime! Pick up the French Dip (Weight 3, Attracted to Flash Gordon Lunchbox) in your 1st hand.
• 0:04 - One of your living objects looks like it wants to climb one of your lower living objects. Nip that in the bud by throwing the first one wide right.
• 0:06 - All this stuff is getting heavy. Throw the heaviest object you are holding wide left. Let that guy deal with it.
• 0:08 - You have suddenly had a change of heart and now shun materialism. Hand the most rare and valuable object you are holding to the juggler on your left.
• 0:09 - The feeling passes. Everything is yours, yours, yours! Protect all your objects by shifting each of them down one level.
• 0:10 - Your sandwich, when compared to the object one level above it, is the most beautiful sandwich you've ever seen. Too bad you have no time to eat.
• 0:11 - END OF ROUTINE

4-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Realize you're allergic to the organs of a sheep boiled inside its own stomach. Throw it wide left.
• 0:04 - You need a break. Of the two objects you are holding, throw the one with the longer name wide right, and the other sharp left.
• 0:08 - You have a new pet! It appears to be trying to mate with the non-living object you're also holding though, so shift that object up one level.
• 0:10 - The sandwich you're about to catch looks tasty. Too bad you have no time to eat.
• 0:11 - END OF ROUTINE

5-Star Juggler

• 0:01 - Grab the heaviest non-living object being held by one of the two jugglers next to you and shift it one level closer to the master.
• 0:02 - Why are so many of your offerings rejected? Throw the object you just grabbed sharp left.
• 0:05 - Throw the lightest object you are holding toward the juggler holding the fewest living objects; if it's a tie, don't throw anything after all.
• 0:07 - You have a strange sense of deja vu. You’re holding an object that you’ve thrown before. Throw it again, this time toward a juggler holding the same number of objects as you (before you throw it).
• 0:10 - The voices say you look delicious. Too bad the master has no time to eat.
• 0:11 - END OF ROUTINE

THE APOCALYPSE (See Special Instructions)

Cthulhu

• It's good to finally be awake! Slither off of the hand of the puny mortal who has been holding onto you (and thus out of play).
• The jugglers around you are frozen in terror. Poke and prod at them and play with them like dolls.
• Take the living object in Enrique's 3rd hand, and transfer it to the hand you were shifted to moments ago. Take the object hanging in midair and place it in Enrique's 3rd hand.
• Two jugglers hold objects with a total weight of 33. Approach the one of these whose name comes first alphabetically. Switch the positions of the objects in his 1st and 3rd hands. Then switch the positions of the objects in his 2nd and 5th hands.
• Two jugglers hold objects with a total weight of 33. Approach the one of these whose name comes second alphabetically. Take the object in his 1st hand, shift the three topmost objects up one level each, and place the object you are holding in his 4th hand. Now switch the positions of the objects in his 3rd and 5th hands.
• Approach the juggler whose objects have a total weight of 25. Switch the positions of the objects in his 2nd and 5th hands. Then switch the positions of the objects in his 3rd and 4th hands.
• Approach the juggler whose objects have a total weight of 27. Eat him and everything he is holding.
• Look at the jugglers expectantly.
• Sigh. None of them seems likely to ever move again, so the show must be over. Before you wander off to destroy the universe, you wonder what the finale looks like....