THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR
by Greg Brume and Dan Katz
Solution: TREESCAPES
Each of the subjects described is afraid of a word with multiple meanings. Each word can yield one of the diagnoses by removing a letter, anagramming the remaining letters, and adding "phobia." These removed letters, in order by subject description, spell:
GIVING SHOE AND JOSHUA / COD CANAVERAL AND HORN
The first half clues TREES and the second half CAPES; together they make TREESCAPES.
Subject often worries that he will be perceived as
having a lack of experience. He has given up his golf game, and he
recently ran away from a political demonstration when Ralph Nader
approached the podium.
GREEN - ernephobia - G
Subject panicked on a recent safari when faced with a
herd of elephants. He cannot watch Victor Borge perform, and when
bathing he can only use certain brands of soap.
IVORY - ryvophobia - I
Subject is strangely incapable of loving herself.
Subject recently threw out a piece of furniture from her bedroom,
and cannot bring herself to watch the film Action
Jackson.
VANITY - tayniphobia - V
Subject freezes up when presented with certain
cocktails, and he has a fear of bees and wasps. While watching a
documentary about modern weaponry, subject had a panic attack when
someone onscreen fired a projectile from their shoulder.
STINGER - gernstphobia - I
Subject insists on walking in the same direction as
everyone else on the sidewalk, and dropped a crafts class when he
was asked to make an abacus. Subject has an irrational fear of
entering kitchens.
COUNTER - eructophobia - N
Subject will only order wine by the glass and will
not watch a TV show that takes place in Hawaii. Subject is very
popular with the ladies, but he refuses to practice safe sex.
MAGNUM - nummaphobia - G
Subject cannot cook mussels or clams and refused to
accept his father's alternatively-powered car. Subject tried out
for the major leagues but was cut when he wouldn't throw over 90
mph.
STEAMER - ermetaphobia - S
Subject can only indulge his racing addiction by
watching greyhounds. Subject worries that everyone on the street
will offer him heroin or challenge him to a basketball game.
HORSE - erosphobia - H
Subject consistently shows up to sessions in wrinkled
clothing, and seems to suffer from anemia. Subject enjoys golf but
awkwardly attempts to play using only a few of the clubs in his
bag.
IRON - rinphobia - O
Subject cannot drink soda unless it has caffeine, and
she failed her introductory course on computer graphics. Every
night before going to sleep, she has to check under her bed for
imaginary creatures.
SPRITE - tripsphobia - E
Subject stubbornly resists the iTunes craze and
cannot drink cider. When asked about her least favorite album, she
is sent into shivers and spits out a 90-word title.
APPLE - leppphobia - A
Subject has little job stability after being fired
from positions with Amtrak and with the Boston Symphony Orchestra.
He fears many physical objects, but copper is high on his list.
CONDUCTOR - droccotuphobia - N
Subject, when ordering food from Popeye's, requests
all white meat. She finds Lars Ulrich extremely intimidating, and
she objects to pre-packaged ice cream cones.
DRUMSTICK - scrutmikphobia - D
Subject has a love of sports, but cannot wear shirts
bearing his team affiliation. Subject turned down a scholarship to
Princeton University and avoids a certain breed of cattle.
JERSEY - erysephobia - J
Subject refuses to watch television or use her
desktop computer. She notoriously panicked during a visit to a
Reptiles of Africa exhibit, and she can no longer read a particular
newspaper based in Boston.
MONITOR - normitphobia - O
Subject has stopped watching White House press
conferences in recent years, and during the winter, he refuses to
go outside. On the bright side, subject's fear did enable him to
kick a serious drug habit.
SNOW - ownphobia - S
Subject dreads many high-ranking religious officials.
While she enjoys Lance Henriksen, there are a few of his films that
she cannot watch. Sadly, she stopped reading X-Men comics around
1991.
BISHOP - obspiphobia - H
Subject's corporation has stagnated, but she refuses
to fire anyone to bring in new employees. She cringes when she sees
an interception in a football game, and she trembles if she enters
a pastry shop.
TURNOVER - ventrorphobia - U
Subject is constantly worried his progress will only
be barely adequate. He has night terrors involving the work of
Sergio Aragones and the notes contained in Martin Gardner's version
of Alice in Wonderland.
MARGINAL - langrimphobia - A
Subject eschews some of the more violent Olympic
events and certain types of barriers. She once attempted to be a
burglar but was unable to comfortably get rid of merchandise.
FENCE - efnephobia - C
Subject feels an awkward kinship with displaced
oblong objects and is unable to eat salad or cereal. On New Year's
Day, subject tends to run away screaming if confronted by a
television.
BOWL - lwbphobia - O
Subject refuses to attend certain sporting events or
propose to his girlfriend. After selling 9,999,999 copies of his
latest album, subject demanded it immediately be removed from
stores.
DIAMOND - minadophobia - D
Subject is uncomfortable with boundaries. She
recently spent two weeks lost in a forest because she didn't pack
adequately; when found she was drawing imperfect circles.
COMPASS - spasmophobia - C
Subject is a hep cat and avoids anyone who isn't.
When traveling on the Red Line he closes his eyes tight between
Alewife and Charles/MGH and counts to distract himself: "2... 3...
5... 6..."
SQUARE - esqurphobia - A
Subject will not attend sporting events in Pawtucket,
especially on days when children get in at a discount price. He
failed linear algebra because he couldn't take determinants of
large matrices.
MINOR - romiphobia - N
Subject likes his meals small and non-sumptuous, and
his crackers untopped. Subject enjoys sporting events, but will not
bet on them, particularly when one team is favored.
SPREAD - perdsphobia - A
Subject has an innate distrust of the FBI and the
White House because of people who have previously run these
organizations. Subject's rug is covered with dust and is desperate
need of cleaning, but subject refuses to obtain the necessary
equipment.
HOOVER - oherophobia - V
Subject avoids forests, unless they consist entirely
of conifers. Her house contains a number of tables which have never
been assembled and a litany of books that have never been
opened.
LEAF - alfphobia - E
Subject recently traveled to Britain and had a panic
attack visiting a clothing store. When passing tall buildings, he
becomes irrationally nervous that someone may attempt suicide.
Also, subject once permanently abandoned a car simply because the
battery went dead.
JUMPER - pemjuphobia - R
Subject lives in fear that her upstairs neighbors
will either throw a loud party or engage in fraudulent activities.
She freaks out when her friends describe her as "high strung."
RACKET - kerctphobia - A
Subject tends to lose at chess, because she will only
move her rooks from left to right. Her nails are disturbingly
ragged, and her desk is a mess of disorganized paperwork.
FILE - efiphobia - L
Subject had a promising future in scouting but
dropped out prematurely. Golf strikes him as a disturbing sport
when played well, and he has nightmares about a Muppet who always
takes everything seriously.
EAGLE - legephobia - A
Subject desperately wants to support his favorite
political candidates but won't wear the appropriate accessories.
All of the jeans in his house close with snaps, and he specially
designed a clock radio covered with dials and switches.
BUTTON - tobtuphobia - N
Subject won a prestigious tournament last year but
couldn't bear to accept the grand prize trophy. She works at
CompUSA but only sells computer programs; her route to work is a
circuitous one that avoids passing by Home Depot.
HARDWARE - whearraphobia - D
Subject has awkward dreams where she is a boxer or a
fish swimming underneath a rowboat. When listening to the radio, if
part of a song is catchy enough to be memorable she immediately
changes the station.
HOOK - okophobia - H
Subject suffers from paranoia that one of his
employees is selling company secrets, possibly to a man with a
hideous birthmark. He crosses lawns rapidly, staring at the ground
around his feet.
MOLE - elmphobia - O
Subject has an irrational fear of being physically
hit, and refuses to enter the kitchen while cakes are being
prepared. In his spare time, subject participates on a baseball
team but will only play outfield.
BATTER - tebtaphobia - R
Subject was terrified to discover her child would be
staying home from school for a week. She cannot drive over certain
bodies of water, and when stirring a mixture she is desperate to
make sure everything dissolves.
SUSPENSION - unispessophobia - N