by Greg Brume and Dan Katz


Each of the subjects described is afraid of a word with multiple meanings. Each word can yield one of the diagnoses by removing a letter, anagramming the remaining letters, and adding "phobia." These removed letters, in order by subject description, spell:


The first half clues TREES and the second half CAPES; together they make TREESCAPES.

Subject often worries that he will be perceived as having a lack of experience. He has given up his golf game, and he recently ran away from a political demonstration when Ralph Nader approached the podium.
GREEN - ernephobia - G

Subject panicked on a recent safari when faced with a herd of elephants. He cannot watch Victor Borge perform, and when bathing he can only use certain brands of soap.
IVORY - ryvophobia - I

Subject is strangely incapable of loving herself. Subject recently threw out a piece of furniture from her bedroom, and cannot bring herself to watch the film Action Jackson.
VANITY - tayniphobia - V

Subject freezes up when presented with certain cocktails, and he has a fear of bees and wasps. While watching a documentary about modern weaponry, subject had a panic attack when someone onscreen fired a projectile from their shoulder.
STINGER - gernstphobia - I

Subject insists on walking in the same direction as everyone else on the sidewalk, and dropped a crafts class when he was asked to make an abacus. Subject has an irrational fear of entering kitchens.
COUNTER - eructophobia - N

Subject will only order wine by the glass and will not watch a TV show that takes place in Hawaii. Subject is very popular with the ladies, but he refuses to practice safe sex.
MAGNUM - nummaphobia - G

Subject cannot cook mussels or clams and refused to accept his father's alternatively-powered car. Subject tried out for the major leagues but was cut when he wouldn't throw over 90 mph.
STEAMER - ermetaphobia - S

Subject can only indulge his racing addiction by watching greyhounds. Subject worries that everyone on the street will offer him heroin or challenge him to a basketball game.
HORSE - erosphobia - H

Subject consistently shows up to sessions in wrinkled clothing, and seems to suffer from anemia. Subject enjoys golf but awkwardly attempts to play using only a few of the clubs in his bag.
IRON - rinphobia - O

Subject cannot drink soda unless it has caffeine, and she failed her introductory course on computer graphics. Every night before going to sleep, she has to check under her bed for imaginary creatures.
SPRITE - tripsphobia - E

Subject stubbornly resists the iTunes craze and cannot drink cider. When asked about her least favorite album, she is sent into shivers and spits out a 90-word title.
APPLE - leppphobia - A

Subject has little job stability after being fired from positions with Amtrak and with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. He fears many physical objects, but copper is high on his list.
CONDUCTOR - droccotuphobia - N

Subject, when ordering food from Popeye's, requests all white meat. She finds Lars Ulrich extremely intimidating, and she objects to pre-packaged ice cream cones.
DRUMSTICK - scrutmikphobia - D

Subject has a love of sports, but cannot wear shirts bearing his team affiliation. Subject turned down a scholarship to Princeton University and avoids a certain breed of cattle.
JERSEY - erysephobia - J

Subject refuses to watch television or use her desktop computer. She notoriously panicked during a visit to a Reptiles of Africa exhibit, and she can no longer read a particular newspaper based in Boston.
MONITOR - normitphobia - O

Subject has stopped watching White House press conferences in recent years, and during the winter, he refuses to go outside. On the bright side, subject's fear did enable him to kick a serious drug habit.
SNOW - ownphobia - S

Subject dreads many high-ranking religious officials. While she enjoys Lance Henriksen, there are a few of his films that she cannot watch. Sadly, she stopped reading X-Men comics around 1991.
BISHOP - obspiphobia - H

Subject's corporation has stagnated, but she refuses to fire anyone to bring in new employees. She cringes when she sees an interception in a football game, and she trembles if she enters a pastry shop.
TURNOVER - ventrorphobia - U

Subject is constantly worried his progress will only be barely adequate. He has night terrors involving the work of Sergio Aragones and the notes contained in Martin Gardner's version of Alice in Wonderland.
MARGINAL - langrimphobia - A

Subject eschews some of the more violent Olympic events and certain types of barriers. She once attempted to be a burglar but was unable to comfortably get rid of merchandise.
FENCE - efnephobia - C

Subject feels an awkward kinship with displaced oblong objects and is unable to eat salad or cereal. On New Year's Day, subject tends to run away screaming if confronted by a television.
BOWL - lwbphobia - O

Subject refuses to attend certain sporting events or propose to his girlfriend. After selling 9,999,999 copies of his latest album, subject demanded it immediately be removed from stores.
DIAMOND - minadophobia - D

Subject is uncomfortable with boundaries. She recently spent two weeks lost in a forest because she didn't pack adequately; when found she was drawing imperfect circles.
COMPASS - spasmophobia - C

Subject is a hep cat and avoids anyone who isn't. When traveling on the Red Line he closes his eyes tight between Alewife and Charles/MGH and counts to distract himself: "2... 3... 5... 6..."
SQUARE - esqurphobia - A

Subject will not attend sporting events in Pawtucket, especially on days when children get in at a discount price. He failed linear algebra because he couldn't take determinants of large matrices.
MINOR - romiphobia - N

Subject likes his meals small and non-sumptuous, and his crackers untopped. Subject enjoys sporting events, but will not bet on them, particularly when one team is favored.
SPREAD - perdsphobia - A

Subject has an innate distrust of the FBI and the White House because of people who have previously run these organizations. Subject's rug is covered with dust and is desperate need of cleaning, but subject refuses to obtain the necessary equipment.
HOOVER - oherophobia - V

Subject avoids forests, unless they consist entirely of conifers. Her house contains a number of tables which have never been assembled and a litany of books that have never been opened.
LEAF - alfphobia - E

Subject recently traveled to Britain and had a panic attack visiting a clothing store. When passing tall buildings, he becomes irrationally nervous that someone may attempt suicide. Also, subject once permanently abandoned a car simply because the battery went dead.
JUMPER - pemjuphobia - R

Subject lives in fear that her upstairs neighbors will either throw a loud party or engage in fraudulent activities. She freaks out when her friends describe her as "high strung."
RACKET - kerctphobia - A

Subject tends to lose at chess, because she will only move her rooks from left to right. Her nails are disturbingly ragged, and her desk is a mess of disorganized paperwork.
FILE - efiphobia - L

Subject had a promising future in scouting but dropped out prematurely. Golf strikes him as a disturbing sport when played well, and he has nightmares about a Muppet who always takes everything seriously.
EAGLE - legephobia - A

Subject desperately wants to support his favorite political candidates but won't wear the appropriate accessories. All of the jeans in his house close with snaps, and he specially designed a clock radio covered with dials and switches.
BUTTON - tobtuphobia - N

Subject won a prestigious tournament last year but couldn't bear to accept the grand prize trophy. She works at CompUSA but only sells computer programs; her route to work is a circuitous one that avoids passing by Home Depot.
HARDWARE - whearraphobia - D

Subject has awkward dreams where she is a boxer or a fish swimming underneath a rowboat. When listening to the radio, if part of a song is catchy enough to be memorable she immediately changes the station.
HOOK - okophobia - H

Subject suffers from paranoia that one of his employees is selling company secrets, possibly to a man with a hideous birthmark. He crosses lawns rapidly, staring at the ground around his feet.
MOLE - elmphobia - O

Subject has an irrational fear of being physically hit, and refuses to enter the kitchen while cakes are being prepared. In his spare time, subject participates on a baseball team but will only play outfield.
BATTER - tebtaphobia - R

Subject was terrified to discover her child would be staying home from school for a week. She cannot drive over certain bodies of water, and when stirring a mixture she is desperate to make sure everything dissolves.
SUSPENSION - unispessophobia - N