Solution to Dear Reader

by Chris Luhrs

The passages are fragments of Weird Al songs written in a more civilized fashion. Sorting the titles by date ("First", "Second", etc.) and indexing into the title by the month yields VICECHANCELLOR.

The songs are, in order of appearance:

(O)ne of Those Days

The bank called me up and told me I'm overdrawn
Some freaks are burnin' crosses out on my front lawn
And I can't believe it, all the Cheetos are gone!
It just...just one of those, one of those days
Just one of those, one of those days

The F.B.I. has got a tap on my phone
Those darn Russian spies won't leave me alone
Shouldn't have got up this morning, shoulda known

K(i)ng of Suede

Well, I never made it past the second grade.
It took all of my life for me to learn this trade.
But my friends are all thinking that I've got it made,
'Cause I'm known the world over as the King of Suede.

Bo(h)emian Polka

Mama, just killed a man.
Put a gun against his head,
Pulled my trigger now he's dead.
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away.
Mama, ooo.
Didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not back again this time tommorow,
Carry on, carry on,
As if nothing really matters.

I R(e)member Larry

If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag

Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try

Ta(l)k Soup

I'm just a cross-dressin' alcoholic neo-Nazi
Porno star, as you may have guessed
And I'm really gonna feel a whole lot better
If you let me ge this thing off my chest
Talk Soup... Talk Soup
Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me.


He said "Luke, stay away from the darker side,
and if you start to go astray let the Force be your guide."
Oh my Yoda,
Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda.

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed.
But, remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed"

Generi(c) Blues

I was born in a paper sack, in the bottom of a sewer.
I had to eat dirt clods for breakfast, my family was so poor,
My daddy was a waitress, my mama sold bathroom tile.
My brothers and sisters all hated me,'cause I was an only child.
I got the blues so bad.
Kinda wish I was dead.
Maybe I'll blow my brains out, mama.
Or maybe I'll, yeah, maybe I'll just go bowlin' instead.

Buy me a (C)ondo

Wo-o-o, used to live in Jamaica,
But I don't live dere no more.
Had to change me lifestyle,
Do t'ings I never done before.
So now I'm just a lonely Rastaman,
Living in dis American town.
Gonna sell me Bob Marley records,
Gonna get me some Jackson Browne.

Gonna buy me a condo.
Gonna buy me a Cuisinart.
Get de wall-to-wall carpeting.
Get de wallet full o' credit cards.

Polka P(a)rty (Papa Don't Preach is not a Weird Al song)

Papa don't preach, I've been losing sleep.
Papa don't preach, I'm in trouble deep.
But I've made up my mind,
I'm keeping my baby.

You Don't Lo(v)e me Anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm begging
Won't you put down that knife?

You know, I even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day

One More Mi(n)ute with You

Well, I heard that you're leavin',
Gonna leave me far behind,
'Cause you found a brand new lover,
You decided that I'm not your kind,

So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex,
And I tore all your pictures in two,
And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go,
Just because it reminds me of you.

That's right, you ain't gonna see me cryin'.
I'm glad that you found somebody new,
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass,
Than spend one more minute with you.

The Weird A(l) Show Theme

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's worth

Then one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his very own Weird Al show


there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it

Theme from Ro(c)ky XIII

Fat and weak, what a disgrace.
Guess the champ got too lazy.
Ain't gonna fly now, he's just takin' up space.
Sold his gloves, threw his eggs down the drain.

But he's no bum, he works down the street.

2006 MIT Mystery Hunt